Looking foward to the next life

Today I watched an episode of my favorite soap opera, One Life to Live. It was also my mom's soap opera. In one of the scenes a girl that was suppose to be dead but wasn't, came back and showed her self to her son. Of coarse it being so close to the anniversary of my mom's death, that scene touched my heart. 

At first I wanted to wish that it was my life, that my mom wasn't dead, but I quickly snapped my head back to reality. My second thought was, when my time is done here on this earth I will once again be united with my mom. I have it all played out in my mind, there she will be standing in a huge white room with her back towards me, and when I call for her she will turn around and look exactly as I remember her, and of coarse I will run into her arms and hold on and not let go. I don't know if it will be the way I dream it will be, but I do know one thing. When I die I will be united with her, that this life will seem like just a dream and we will have the rest of eternity to spend together. How do I know this? The teachings of my church, my beliefs, and the whisperings of the Holy Ghost tell me. I am so grateful for the things that I have been taught. Some people think I am weird when I say I look forward to dieing. But I say that because I look foward to my next life after this one and being reunited with my mom, the only person who holds more than half of my heart.

Chistmas is not a happy time of year

I know Christmas is suppose to be a joyful time of year. Why not presents, family and the real reason: Jesus' birth. But every year Christmas means a nothing thing to me. Its a reminder that another year is passing that I will not have my mom here beside me in this life. This year will be the 19th year anniversary. I have been alive for 19 years without my mom. The grief of it starts setting in as Christmas appears. Then comes the count down. I have been able to deal with it better, so to say, as the years pass but the sting and the memories of that night still play in my mind. At times I feel like I am a little kid trapped in an adult life when I think of this time of year. I know the more positive way to think of it is by celebrating her life rather than grieve, but I can't seem to get my mind to do that. She will always be my mom, she will always have my heart more than anyone else would ever have. I love her and wish she could be here with me, but most of all I keep her in my heart!

A Trucker's 12 Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: 12 good bye kisses, 11 brand new tires, 10 closed scales, 9 cups of coffee, 8 new log books, 7 shower passes, 6 straps for strapping, 5 coveralls, 4 brand new tires, 3 packs of cigarettes, 2 smoke stacks and a garmin G.P.S.

Why am I Mormon?

I was asked one ay, no by one but by more than one friend, why I am Mormon. This question has been stuck in my head for quite awhile, and I have ponder the question. Is it because that is what I know since I grew p in the church, tradition? (those who know me know I have strayed away from it then came back) is it because I am too scared to venture out and see what other churches offer? (i cant really say it is that because I have been to other churches). Do I really believe in Mormonism? When I think of this question one thing pops into my mind: I am Mormon because I have prayed about it, I have prayed to know if the Book of Mormon is true, I have prayed to know if what I believe in is correct. And each and every time the Holy Ghost has whispered to me that yes what I believe in is true. I have felt the Spirit of the Lord tell me that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that the works that we do both in and out of our temples is right. When it comes to explaining my beliefs for some reason I can not voice them, I can not explain why I believe the way I believe. All I know is that the Holy Ghost has told me the truths, I have found my answers in both the bible and the book of Mormon. I know that men interpret the Bible to fit their needs. If Heavenly Father spoke to prophets in the old days then why can't he do it now? Why is it that the Bible has to come from one set of books, couldn't there be other works of God out there? I believe with all my heart and soul that all the prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints from Joseph Smith to Thomas S. Monson were called of God to prepare the children of God for the second coming. To prepare us for Celestial Glory and to dwell with our father and savior Jesus Christ in heaven. Men are flawed therefore religion is flawed. The interpretation of the Bible can sometimes be flawed. For it speaks to each person in different ways. People have rejected some the teachings of Christ or have changed them, that is why there are so many different churches. But one thing that hasn't changed is the love of our Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ, which through him and only him can we be saved. God is the same before and now. If we do not live a righteous path by first, faith in the Lord and Jesus Christ and by our good works and following the commandments of God the we have failed in this life. Jesus taught to love one another, and how do we do that" by our works and service. The Holy Ghost has told me these things are true, and that is why I am Mormon...."Ask and it shall be given; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you" Matthew 7:7 (Luke 11:9, 3nephi 27:29 and 14:7). I say these things and bear my testimony that I know God lives and wants us to return unto him. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Looking Back

Tonight I read some of my post from months ago and at times it felt like I was reading someone else's blog. I haven't been writing every day like I should. At times its nice to look back and read my emotions I felt. But for the past few months things haven't been looking good. I slumped into a dark place again. I was suppose to go on the road with Chango for about a week and is company took forever getting him home. And so I got really stressed and sad thinking I wouldn't see him at all. Luckily he was able to come home for a week. But it took a toll on me, I once again started smoking and occasional drinking. I feel like I threw away everything I worked hard for. Right now I am at a point that I can not go to the temple, which saddens me. But I am still reading my scriptures. I have read the new testament in the bible, and have started on the old testament. I read my book of Mormon. My faith in my Heavenly father hasn't wavered. But I know that if I truly try my best and repent then Heavenly Father will forgive me. I miss going to church, I have been working crazy hours and on Sundays. I miss the fellowship of my church and how I feel so welcomed each and every time. I know that is where I belong. Christmas is around the corner, the day Christ was born in this earth, the day my savor and redeemer came. I love this time of year because it makes me remember him more than what I usually do. I just need to get back on track and I know that I can't do it alone. Only with the strength of my Heavenly Father can it be done. I look forward to being where I was those few short months ago!

Christmas traditions

Last night I set. Up my Nativity set. I combined some of my statues that I bought and painted with my moms set that she got from a relief society activity that my church has. I remember the night she got them, I was able to help her paint one of the statues. Ever since she got them each Christmas we would set it up in the house and then hide baby Jesus until midnight on Christmas eve. So now in my older years I still keep that tradition alive. I set out my set and baby Jesus is still packed away until his birth on Christmas day. Its funny each time I pass a nativity set I just want to take te baby Jesus and id him until Christmas. I love how our parents traditions are passed on, and when I have my children I will pass it on to them.

My set with Mom's set

Mom's set

Missing a birthday

Yesterday was the first time in 10 years that I was not by my husbands side for his birthday. Wen it set in the night before I was sad, because in the past wither we were working that day or not we always were together to celebrate his birthday. And lo and behold yesterday as he had it he sat in Virginia and me here in Missouri (misery as I was calling it). As we talked for hours last night we decided when he comes home we will celebrate. It wont feel the same but I guess something is better than nothing. Maybe I will make him a cake or some brownies with cream cheese on top. I will just have to make the day special for him as if it was his birthday! I love my hubby!!

Movies bring up emotions

I just finished watching Midway to Heaven, which by the way is a very good movie. But as I watched the movie it brought up so many emotions. The wife died of cancer, and so my feelings of lose from my mom dieing of breast cancer were opened up. But the one that hit me hard was the husband couldn't let go of his dead wife and move on with his life. It got me thinking, what would happen if I were to lose my Chango too soon? Would I be able to handle it? Would I slump into depression? Would I be able to let him go and move on in my life? Of coarse I would always love him, I will love him for all eternity. But could I ever love another man if I ever lost him? I feel like I might never be able to. And then there was the questions of what if I were to go before him? Would he be heartboken? Would he be able to let me go? What if he could and he moved on alot quicker than what could be expected? How would I feel watching him through his life? But of coarse some guys are stronger than others, and some women are stronger than others. All I know is that I love my Chango and I can't bear the thought of losing him. And I know that he and I can be together forever, if we choose to be, through being sealed inthe temple. And that I will look foward to!

Counting down the days

It is now about a week and 2 days till my husband gets to pick me up so I may go over the road with him for about a week.  I can't wait.   I am getting so excited that home live means nothing to me anymore.  I am always thinking about him, no matter what I am doing.  I imagine myself along side of him in his truck.  Luckily I found someone who can check up on the animals while I am gone so that way I don't have to worry about them running out of water and food.  But Oh to go with my Chango is so worth it!!! I will have to post pics of my outing when I get back.

Has the Book of Mormon changed my life?

This week the missionaries were joking with me about teaching the lesson for our weekly meeting.  And so after much consideration I went to lds.org and found an article that was in the Ensign back in 1992. It talked about how the Book of Mormon has changed their lives.  It was a really good article.  As I put together the lesson for the missionaries, thinking how can I teach the missionaries about the gospel that they don't already know. And so I choose to make it into a testimony building lesson.
But now the question in my life is how has the Book of Mormon changed my life?  I look back to when I was reading the Book of Mormon and I didn't have a life changing event while reading it for the first time.  I have been a member of my church since I was young, and even though I didn't read the Book of Mormon I have always had a testimony of it, that I know it is True and also another testimony of Jesus Christ.  But I can not say that the Book of Mormon has changed my life dramaticly.  Maybe it has changed my life, and I just haven't noticed it yet.  Maybe one day I will wake up and go oh yeah it has changed my life this way and that way. 

But right now I can say, I have read it, I understand it.  I know it IS another testament of Jesus Christ. That when Jesus died on the cross and was resurrected that he came to the Americas, and possibly to other countries and visited them and preached his gospel.  I know that the Nephites and the Lamanites lived and testified of the Christ.  I know that If you do not believe in the Book of Mormon, that if you open your heart to it and read with a sincere heart that you will come to know that it is true. That doesn't mean you have to become Mormon.  I know that the Book of Mormon CAN change lives, even if it didn't change mine right away. I bear my testimony of the Book of Mormon, in Christ's name....Amen.

http://lds.org/ensign/1992/10/by-faith-restored?lang=eng

This made me cry II

Today one of my friends posted this on facebook:

I was walking around in a supermarket when i saw a cashier hand this little boy his money back, the boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'' The little boy turned to the old woman next to him, ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?'' She replied, ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'' Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. 'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.' I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.' His eyes were so sad while saying this, 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.'' My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said, 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.' Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.' 'I love my mommy and I wish she didn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.' Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!'' OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money. The little boy said, 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!' Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!'' 'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.'' 'My mommy loves white roses.' A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away. I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine, and in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him. Now you have 2 choices: (1) Copy & Paste this on your wall (2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart!!
Just to let you know I cried too.

This made me cry

Her hair was up in a pony tail, Her favorite dress tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, And she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, That she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, If she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; She knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates Of why he wasn't there today. But still her mother worried, For her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, She tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school Eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees A dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, For everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, Anxious in their seats One by one the teacher called A student from the class. To introduce their daddy, As seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, Every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, A man who wasn't there. 'Where's her daddy at?' She heard a boy call out. 'She probably doesn't have one,' Another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, She heard a daddy say, 'Looks like another deadbeat dad, Too busy to waste his day.' The words did not offend her, As she smiled up at her Mom. And looked back at her teacher, Who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, Slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, Came words incredibly unique. 'My Daddy couldn't be here, Because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, Since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, And how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories He taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, And taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, And ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone. 'Cause my daddy's al ways with me, Even though we are apart I know because he told me, He'll forever be in my heart' With that, her little hand reached up, And lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, Beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, Her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, Who was wise beyond her years. For she stood up for the love Of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, Doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, Staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, But its message clear and loud. 'I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star. And if he could, he'd be here, But heaven's just too far. You see he is a U.S soldier And died just this past year When a roadside bomb hit his convoy And taught Amercian's to fear. But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away.' And then she closed her eyes, And saw him there that day. And to her mothers amazement, She witnessed with surprise. A room full of daddies and children, All starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, Who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, They saw him at her side. 'I know you're with me Daddy,' To the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, Of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, For each of their eyes had been closed. But there on the desk beside her, Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose. And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, By the love of her shining star. And given the gift of believing, That heaven is never too far.

-Author unknown

Pulled from Facebook.com

A Book That Peaked My Interest.

I am at a friends house watching it since they are away and kids are asleep. They have a book called
"the power of birthdays, stars, & numbers the complete personology reference guide
by saffi crawford and geraldine sullivan."
under my birth date it has your special someone section. Which says: for mental stimulation and love, you might want to begin looking for those born among the following date. Under that section is a soul mates section. And December 10th is under that. Yup that is Chango's birthday. Need to read more in this book!!

Hiding with in my home.

It has been two weeks since I have posted on my blog. Why is that I wonder.  I was just not in the mood to write.  I wasn't in the mood for much of anything these past two weeks.  I hid not only from my blog, but friends and family.  The only way you found me was by my posting on Facebook.  Some how I still seemed to get on fb and update my status.  Why is it that I was like that? I wasn't depresses, I wasn't sad, I just wanted to be alone and by myself cooped up in my house.  Even to go to work was work within its self. But the one thing that I do know is that my solitude helped me grow a tad closer to my Heavenly Father.  I was able to read from my scriptures more often.  Today, I have both mixed emotions.  I want to stay at home but yet I want to go and visit people. Well I guess I will just see how my day goes.  The one thing that I am looking forward to doing it talking on the phone with my Chango when he calls!!!

Bad mouthing a mom is not cool.

Today I was at a friends house and her oldest boy kind of ticked me off and I snapped at him just a tad. (And Friend if you are reading this I am sorry if I mad you upset when I did it.)  He was mouthing off to her, and back talking and I just couldn't stop my mouth from saying, "Why are you mouthing your mom like that? I wish I still had my mom." (or something on the lines like that, it just came out.)  I know he is a teenager and going through what the teenagers go through, but here he is around the age that I lost my mom and the way he was treating her that day just didn't sit right with me.  I wish I had my mom, so I can hold her and hug her.  To tell her I love her, just to see her everyday.  He gets that.  His mom has been ever so nice to him, from what I see when I am there, she doesn't require too much of him just to help around the house since he is of that age.  He is not treated like a slave like some moms do out there.  She doesn't raise her voice to them. When she does ask of them she says please and thank you.  So I see no need for him to back talk the way he was. 
I guess what I was really wanting was to take him aside and  tell him, "Look I was 12 years old when I lost my mom.  I would do anything and give anything to get her back.  Here you have a mom that loves you and does everything in her power to provide for you.  The way you talk back to her is uncalled for.  Just think what if today you spent your day the way you have been and tonight something happens to her and you loose her forever.  Think of how you would feel then. Think of how hurt you would be.  Think about that each and every time you back talk her.  Treat each day as if it was the last.  Yes some things may not seem fair to you, but she is teaching you life long lessons.  Cherish the time you have with her.  You are so lucky to have your mom, I wasn't she had to go to Heaven and help out up there."
But I just sat there and didn't say anything. It hurts to see kids not listen to their mom, they don't know how lucky they are that they have their mom.  Especially since that mom is kind and caring like my Friend. If only kids knew the pain I went through growing up without their mom, they would think differently on how they treat and act towards mom.

I love you mom, I will see you when my life has come to an end and we will be together forever!!!

my life is boring

At times I think I shouldn't blog/write. What do I do in my Life? I work, go home, sleep, and wake up the next day to do it all over agin. I wonder how can somebody be interested in my life? How can they stand to read about me?

Catching up.

Okay so lately I have been busy. Can't remember what the last entry was, but a few things happened. Quick run down of the week. Had an awsome time on sunday, have been reading my sciptures everyday, read mosiah ch 1-3 out of the book of mormon every day and each time it has taught me something different. Started a fast on thursday night until friday after 4:30 in preparation to recieve my patriarchal blessing. Friday was so spiritual for me!! Recieved my blessing friday. Got called into work. An now we are to today. Today I worked a full 13 hour shift. Boy at the end my body was tired. (its not used to working those type of shifts any more.). So here I am 1 am in the morning, needing to wake up at 8 no later than 8:30 to go to church. Tomorrow at church is fast and testimony meeting. The blessings that the lord has provided me have been great. And to be filled with the spirit and have the holy ghost manafest the truths unto me, what an awsome thing! Oh I forgot I wrote miguel, my cousin in prison. He has been reading the book of mormon. I wish all would open their minds and read it. Just to hear the testimony of the prophets of jesus christ. How they praised him, and believed in him. I read a journal entry I made back in 2000, boy what a lost soul I was back then. As I read the words which I spoke I felt that what I was reading wasnt from me. I felt like it was a different person who was speaking those words. Some journal entries I am not proud of and one journal I kept I am thinking of throwing it away, no burning it so those words will never be read again. What a lost soul I was. I thank the lord almighty for not giving up on me, his daughter. And I thank my heavenly brother, jesus christ, for loving me so much that he came to this world, suffered & died so all who believe upon him will have their sins forgiven and have eternal glory. I can not wait to be at the feet of my heavenly father and jesus to thank them for the great love they bestowed upon me. Their love never faultered! I love them with all my hear

I am so excited about tomorrow. I recieve my patriarchal blessing. today I have spent the day reading my scriptures, or at least it seems that way. I read mosiah chapters 1-3 again. I even found out how to become like a child, fully converted. In mosiah 3:19 it tells us. Just like I said the scriptures are like the Liahona and changes its message, this was one example. I have read that verse over and over everyday since sunday. So that has been 5 times that I have read it, and it wasn't until today that I understood the message. I just can't wait till tomorrow. Tonight I am going to start my fast and prayer. All day tomorrow I shall fast and pray. My apointment is at 4pm. After that I can give thanks and break my fast. I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned for me in this life and the life after. I just have to make sure I leave here to make it there on time. :)

Days off

I am so excited today! At 8pm my two days off started. If I did my math right thats 57 hours to myself. But way am I so excited? Its not like I get to rest. I have house work to be done, laundry, I have to deposit my pay check, pay bills, go to walmart, and I have a special day on Friday (I recieve my patriarchal blessing.). I wish I was going to the temple of friday, but my blessing is alot more important. So I guess I should get off this thing and start enjoying my hous free of work before I do house work.

facebook friend request

Today I got a friend request on facebook from someone I have not seen since I was a teenager. She is a member of my church and was one of my yw advisors. I have missed her so much. I remember wen she left I was at her house that day helping in everyway I could, and then when all was done she ad her family drove into the sunset. We were able to go and visit her in san jose. I have missed her dearly, she was like a second mom to me. I am just so greatful to have reconnected with her.

Chango's suprize!

Today I got a suprize. Chango called me last night and said they were coming by the house and he would be able to stop for a few hours. At first it was planned that he was going to stop 15 miles away but I got a nice wake up phone call asking me how many miles it was for him to take a different highway. The highway he wanted to take comes right through our town. And so I looked it up and it was only 30 miles and so he took the detour and came home. It was so nice to see him. I waited, like a school girl waiting for her crush, by the place he was going to park. And then here came his purple monster trucking down the hill. I couldn't wait for him to jump out of the truck. I almost yelled at him to hurry up. I didn't want anything else but to get into his arms for a hug and kiss. I was able to meet his student and we went to lunch, and then his student went to the truck for a nap and we went home to see our girls (the dogs). They were happy to see their "dad" . We had some nice alone time, huddled in eachothers arms. And then work. It made me wish I was off but nope, couldn't. And so I watched the love of my life drive away. This is what I posted on facebook during the time it happened:

And there goes my working man, walking to the truck to leave. It was nice to have him here for a few hours. Although I want him to stay he must go and my heart swell with pride for he is out there trying to make a better living for us.

Mixed emotions as I watch him from my work, happiness and sadness both trying to pull at my heart. Surprising its not like the other times that it feels like my heart is breaking. I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that he is out there trucking along. I may not get to watch his truck pull out of town; I may not need to see it happen. All I know is I will probably have a customer and when I look out afterwards his truck will be gone. But I do know no matter where he goes he will be in my heart and I in his. For right now we love each other, and plan on it for years to come.

I was able to watch him leave, him in the passenger seat his student at the wheel. His student blew the air horn as the pulled away; I think this is gonna be a tradition from now on. I wanted to cry but I told myself not to, it’s not like he is driving out of my life forever, he will return. My heart aches for him to be here by my side, but he must go and drive into the sunset. He is my knight in shinning armor.

And so here I am at home alone, without my husband. But I am very greatful Heavenly Father was able to bless us with a short visit. My heart is also filled with pride and happiness knowing that he is out there working, trying to better our lives. I love this man, the one I met 11 years ago at the College of the Sequoias who had me at "I'll be back. I'm going to get a 25$ taco."

being a trucker's wife.

I can honestly say I dislike being a truckers wife. I don't get to see my husband every night and morning. I don't get to sleep next to him. I have to do everything around the ouse, if I can't do it I have to find someone who can. When I do get to talk to him its always a quick conversation cause either I am at work or he is driving or asleep. I am always worring about his safty. I have to worry about if we have enough money for him to eat. So forgive me if I shoot you an evil eye when you hug and kiss yours. Do you have to sacrifice your husband not being home for 60-90 days? Do you know what its like going to bed and his side is empty and some nights you can't help but cry your eyes out? Be in my shoes for one month and see how you like it. Like they say no one is tougher than a truckers wife. But you know what, I love my husband with all my heart and I may not like his type of work but dang it I am gonna stand by him!!

Count your blessings

My church teaches us to count our blessings, and give thanks unto the Lord for them. We even have a hymn entitled, "count your blessings". It goes:
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, count your many blessings name the one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done. Count your blessings name them one by one. Count your blessings; see what god hath done. Count your blessings; name them one by one. Count your many blessings; see what God hath done.
Today I have to say I have felt a blessing. I found out today that on September 1st my car will be paid off. It will be mine. Now with all the struggling that Chango and I have been doing and trying to pay our bills, this is truly a blessing!! To be able to be rid of this bill is from Heavenly Father. Some may say but its because your contract was up, but that's not the case, I still owed a little bit more than what I can pay off right now. But the car will be mine!! What a true blessing this is.

Wasington D.C Temple damaged

Today as I was scrolling through the Facebook status updates I read one that made my heart ache. In the recent event of the earthquake that rocked the east coast on of my churches beloved temple had damage caused to it. It was the Washington D.C. Temple, the tips of the four spires broke causing damage to the marble, angel Moroni was damaged as well. As I read the comments my heart ached in pain and yearning to do something for one of our beloved temples. So on Sunday I will give some of my tithing towards temple construction in hopes it will be used to repair the damage. Temples are so sacred and are the house of the lord. I know that it will be repaired and that the saints will not allow it to go without repairs. It will be looking like new in no time. God bless our temples.

One Life to Live

I was sitting here wondering what I should talk about when I decided to read the recap of my soap opera. And that's when it him me, I should talk about my soap. My mom was the one who got me hooked on it. I was about 4 or 5 and there we were watching the episodes. Then as I grew into my teen years I started watching it again and recording it while I was at school. No we didn't have TVO then, it was the old fashion set your timer to the VCR and hope the power doesn't go out. I love this soap opera. It brings me memories of my mom, and it is not my soap but my moms. It saddens me that ABC has decided to take it off the air. Luckily it went from being canceled to going onto the internet. But still its going off air. It makes me mad, the TV channel thinks that more reality shows. Shows like the view, ugh I do not like the view. They do not know what we need. But at least it is going on online because there is only one life to live.

Today brought on a blessing.

     This morning I was woken up by Heavenly Father's angels to get up and get ready for church. I had set my alarm to wake me up an hour earlier and some how I had turned it off. Heavenly Father had a message for me today and he gave it through the speakers and my Sunday school class. Now that I have received his message I need to apply it to my life, and be diligent in keeping them and doing them each and every day. Today's talks hit me, this is what was needed and now I must apply this message.
          1st talk: Scripture Study.
                       * Need to do it everyday, you will get to know god through his words and it brings the spirit into your life.
                       * Set a time every day for it to be done. Me I like to read after I come home from work, a chapter a night and no less. (if the chapter is really long then I do break it down)
          2nd talk: Personal Revelation.
                        * Personal revelation comes to me through the Holy Ghost.
          3rd talk: Documentation of Personal Revelation.
                        * Record your blessings, promises are fulfilled as you live righteously.
                        * If you can't think of anything to write down, write your testimony in your journal.
                        * Don't focus on the negative or positive just be honest in your journal writing.
                        * It is commanded of the prophets to keep a journal. (this I need help in doing)
         4th talk: Prayer in Jesus Name.
                        * Pray for people and certain situations when prompted, you never know when the prayer is needed.
                        * The proper way to pray; use Heavenly Fathers name, thank him for the blessings, ask of him, close in the name of Jesus. Use thee and thou instead of you.
                        * Prayer is a two way communication with God.
                        * Pray with a sincere heart.
                        * Prayer helps us over come being not worthy.
                        * When you don't feel like praying get on your knees and pray till you feel like praying.
                        * Pray always, frequently, have a prayer in your heart, you may not always be able to get on
                              your knees.
                         * Take time for long prayers, even though short prayers are heard and answered also.
                         * God hears you prayers and answers them in his own time, sometimes he makes us wait for an answer to learn what we need to learn.
                         * God may say no to something you have asked, he does that for a reason.
                         * Pray for people needing the truth, pray for missionaries and church leaders, pray for strangers, and pray for strength to be an example.

Pony Beads

OK so my friend gave me a lot of beads. (you know who you are!) and since then I have been making key chains, I even made two for them as a present for their hand fasting. I forgot how fun it was to make key chains out of pony beads. I can't wait to buy more with different colors and even pattern books. For now I. Will be happy in looking online for patterns. Gotta get back to making stuff.

My Kids

Some of you may say that my kids are not kids but pets. I got news for you. My kids are my babies, my fur babies, and I know some of you would agree with me. Since I have no children, my pets have become my kids. Here let me introduce you to them:

Alera, she is a chiweenie, 5 years old. She knows she is top dog and is right below me in the pack, she even thinks her dad is below her. She is a brat, spoiled, can be mean and an ankle bitter, but at the same time she is also very loving.

Grimlynn, is the granddaughter of Alera, she is a chorkie. Shes 2 years old, a submissive dog, loves to lick and is very hyper! She also loves to prance around when she has something new placed on her, like a collar or clothes or a new hair cut.

Bia, is a Staffordshire. She is about 4-5 years. She can at times be a handful because she is big and she doesn't know it.  She does the most dumbest things and it makes you wonder if she is dumb or just being goofy. She loves to please and loves to be loved and will nudge you with her paws or nose for attention.  But boy if you tie her up outside you better make sure she doesn't know how to get out because she will find a way to get loose.

DarLa, is a wienie dog.  She can be around 3 years.  I received her because a lady didn't want her no more and DarLa had no place to go.  I think that she has a little bit of neurological problem. She loves to jump up like a squiggly wiggly thing.  She is very submissive and layed back, but I love her anyways.

FleaBag, is my kitty that I found when she was about a month old. She wasn't even wined from her mom yet.  I had to bottle feed her. She is very head strong and independent.  And boy can she drive me up the wall with her crying.

LittleFoot, I found LittleFoot about a week after FleaBag.  He taught FleaBag how to use the litter box.  They both are about 7 years old.  LittleFoot was named that way because when he was a kitten he had these big paws, they were bigger than his body.  LittleFoot loved attention and we call him a foot whore because he will rub up against a foot, and the smellier the more he loves that foot. 

 

 

 

Drako, is a Bearded Dragon, she is so loveable and very curious.  She enjoys her crickets, enjoys them enough to eat them. RedRum is our Guinea Pig.  He is very vocal, he cries for anything, for his food, for his hay, if you are not paying attention to him.  He loves to interact with the dogs and he will nibble on them.

 

 

Nemesis (on the left), is an albino corn snake, I got him when I was working at Petco lady had to give him up.  I feel in love with him the first time I saw him and I had to have him. Kadisus (on right) was bought at Petco when she was small.  Chango and I have always wanted snakes and so we bought her.  Both of them live together in the cage and they enjoy each others company.  Oh and they love the mice!!

These are the mice that I have that are there to reproduce and feed my snakes.  I have 3 male adults and 4 female adults and that is all they do is reproduce.  At one point I have 40 Baby mice.

This is my family and I love them, they are my kids.Well they are my kids until I have real kids.

Tulare, CA

Tulare California is my home town. I really can't say it's where I was born because I was born in Visalia, CA. But Tulare is where we lived for all of my childhood and part of my adult life. We may say that the cows over populate the humans, or even call it "Cowtown", but it is also called home!! My home, and for some strange reason I miss it so much. I want to go home!! Why, there is nothing to do in Tulare, but yet there is way more nothing to do here in Waverly. (oh how funny they said to stay away from windows but yet in my house I am surrounded by windows. I think my power may go out, its acting funny. Oh yeah BTW we are having a sever thunderstorm right now.) but tulare is home. I have wanted to go home way before I came out here!! I love Tulare and I can't wait till Chango moves me back home. Yup he said tonight that he would move me back home if that would make me happy because if a trucker's wife is unhappy then no one is happy. I can't wait till I say here I come, I'm coming home Tulare!!!

lds.net blog V

Husband leaving to train for future   4/7/11

This Saturday is going to be the hardest thing I have to do since my husband and I have been together.  He is leaving to go train for truck driving and we have not been apart for the last 10 years. I support his decision to go, I support him but I do not like it. I know with the lords help I can have the strength to deal with this.  I know it is for the better of our future but yet I can not help but feel a little selfish by wanting him by my side every night.  Is this wrong of me? I wish I knew for certain of our future so I can feel more at ease.  But the Lord has laid our path and he only knows what will happen.  Maybe this is for the best, I will be alone and I know I will get more involved with the church, but its hard to see him leave!

lds.net blog IV

The Lord works in mysterious ways   4/7/11

On September 10th 2001 I was pulled around the county fair trying to find a radio station so I could be proposed to by James. 10 years later here we are still together, through the thick and thin; trials and triumphs. I often prayed to Heavenly Father to let me know if he was truely the one. Of coarse if signs were there I never saw them and we continued our lives the way it was, living together but never taking the plunge into marrage.  Then on March 31st, james suprized me by calling the President of my branch wanting to get married.  We set it up and on April 2nd we were married in a last minute thrown together wedding. My prayers were answered.  My relief society president put together such a beautiful recieption. After 10 years of living together we are finally husband and wife.  I thought that it couldn't get any better than that but I was wrong. James kept on suprizing me. He expressed that he wants to become a member of the church and after years of saying he did not want children he ended up asked the president about adoption through the church. He also knows that the temple holds a sacred place in my heart and asked me if I can now attend the temple.  Through out these years I prayed to Heavenly Father for a family of my own and to help me become worthy to go to the temple.  The Lord is answering my prayers!! I know that I will not be able to go tomorrow to the temple tomorrow per say, but now I can move closer to becoming worthy. I know that financially we can not afford to adopt right now, but that option is open.  I now have a husband and I can now say I am starting to make my own family. I am greatful that the Lord has provided these blessings to me. I look foward to the day when all my prayers are answered and fulfilled and I will not give up hope on them.

lds.net blog III

sin and repentance 3/14/11

 We all are sinners, for there was only one perfect human being and that was Jesus Christ. We must repent for our sins so they may be erased from our book. But what happens when you are truly sorry for the things you do and yet you can't help but do them? I am a smoker. Yes I want to stop. But its not as easy as it seems. I can say tomorrow I am going to quit, I am no longer going to buy anymore packs, but the craving is still there. I pray to Heavenly Father to give me the strength to no longer want them and to quit but yet I still "light up". Am I truly sorry that I have this habit, yes. Do I truly want to stop, yes.  Even though I continue to do this will Heavenly Father show compassion and forgive me even though I know it is wrong but yet I am shackled to my habit and I can not break free? That goes for drinking alcohol (occasionally), drinking caffeine, coffee, eating meat every day, my piercings and tattoos, my foul language? Of coarse my falling away from the church had a great part in it, if I would have stayed in the church my life would have been different. But yet I am striving to do better, to change my ways, to break free of my bondage and let loose the shackles around me. Does Heavenly Father forgive me and know I want to change? I wish it could happen over night, but I know it can't. I want to go to the temple, I want to partake of the sacrament, I want my patriarchal blessing, I want to be able to say I am Mormon/lds and the people who I am telling don't give me a confused look because I have a cigarette in my hand. Oh Heavenly Father help me to do what is right! I want to return to live with you for all time and eternity. I want to gain celestial glory. Oh the burdens of my continual sinning are too much to carry, the weight of them I feel everyday. Give me strength to follow thee, oh Lord. I ask thee for your help. I ask thee for your forgiveness. I love thee, oh Lord. Please help me.

lds.net blog II

 I never understood the importance of the Sacrament until now...   3/12/11


Tomorrow is Fast and Testimony meeting at our local branch and I am anticipating attending church.  I have not attended church for about 3 weeks, it may seem easy to go to church but when you live about 15 miles away from the clostest meeting house it is a little difficult.  One reason is that my car is not registered here, another is that sometimes I can't get ahold of anyone that can come an pick me up.  We are a small branch that covers at least 6 other towns.  Rural Missouri is very different than California, I was raised in California where the meeting houses where right there in the town.  But I am very greatful when a member from the church comes out of their way to pick me up to attend. Since I have not attended church, I have been going to a local church, which is alright, but they are missing something.  Aside from the drums and guitars and the hour long singing, which all of that I can get past, SOMETHING was missing.  And I didn't notice that until 2 weeks ago.  At first I thought it was going to be because they had a preacher, who by the way brings up some interesting points from the Bible, as well as talking about what spiritual gifts we were given, but it wasn't that either.  Finally it dawned on me....this church is missing the sacrament, as well as classes: but that wasn't important. Growing up I always thought Sacrament meeting was boring.  I would fall asleep, draw, color, want to take more bread than one piece, play with my bread instead of eat it right away, normal kid stuff.  When I grew older, I still kind of thought it was boring, not really paying attention to the talks, and still drawing or passing notes to who ever I went with.  Since 2009, when I started attending church more regulary, I started to notice that I was paying attention to the talks, I was reading the blessing prayer of the sacrament, I was reading my scriptures during the passing of the sacrament.  I was doing what I should have been doing since I was young....being reverent. But it still didn't dawn on me what the true meaning about sacrament was, or for that matter how sacred it is.Even though I am not able to partake of the sacrament, due to my unworthiness, I still enjoy being in the building while it is being passed.  Each week that I attend church, I find that Sacrament Meeting is sacred. I noticed that each week I am wanting to take the necessary steps so that way I may partake of it and renew my baptismal covenants that I made.  Sacrament Meeting holds a new place in my heart.  My mom always said that if we were running late to church we had to make it before sacrament was passed, now I understand why.I do not want to be an unworthy partaker.  3 Nephi 28-30 struck me hard when I read it: And now behold, this is the commandment which I give unto you, that ye shall not suffer any one knowingly to  eateth and drinketh damnation to his soul; therefore if ye know that a man is unworthy to eat and drink of my flesh and blood ye shall forbid him. unto him and shall pray for him unto the Father, in my name; and if it so be that he repenteth and is baptized in my name, then shall ye receive him, and shall minister unto him of my flesh and blood. I know now that I will strive to get my self worthy to partake of it again, I now know the importance of the sacrament and I hope each and every one of you, my brothers and sisters, remember the importance of it and not look at the Sacrament Meeting as just another day in church, but look at it for what it really is....A BLESSING!!!!!

lds.net blog

 Your Happily Ever After  3/11/11 


Today I had a visit from the sister missionaries in our area. It was a nice visit.  They shared with me a message from the Ensign May 2010 magazine. The article that they read from was entitled Your Happily Ever After by President <SPAN>Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  As we go through out life we kind of loose sight of our happily ever after.  I know I tend to do that when things are tough, when there are trials ahead that I feel I can not over come.  But like President Uchtdorf said, Heavenly Father has given us a map to our happily ever after.  I think I have to find my map again, take it out, dust it off and try to find my way back on the right path to that great big castle upon the hill.  I know if I read and study my scriptures that they have clues on how to get on that path and continue the journy. At times it feels hard, some times it feels like I am never going to get there.  But I am going to keep on striving, I am going to cut down my obstacles and hope that I make my happily ever after.  I leave the ending quote from President Ucht/dorf:  As an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, I leave you my blessing and give you a promise that as you accept and live the values and principles of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, “[you] will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.”And the day will come when you turn the final pages of your own glorious story; there you will read and experience the fulfillment of those blessed and wonderful words: “And they lived happily ever after.” Of this I testify in the holy name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Music

I love music!! I loved to play it, my clarinet is busted right now. I love to sing, even if I don't always sound pretty. I love to listen to it. But it cant be any type of music, the music has to speak to me. It has to make my spirit become aroused.
Why is it that certain songs bring up certain memories?
I can play different songs or artist and depending on what I play certain memories or feelings pop up. Like right now I am listening to korn's did my time and I am remembering when I would play tetris on xbox. This song just played over and over it seemed. Or the next song it makes me remember when chango and I would fight a lot and I would play this song over and over singing and crying.
But no matter what I love to listen to my music, and sing, and dance, maybe even sometimes cry.  The songs I like are the ones that remind me of my mom. I just sit there and remember the things we did together.  I guess with out memories what would we be.  

What is wrong with me?

Lately, for the past week and a half I have been very tired. I have been sleeping a lot. Sometimes I can not even get up until 1 p.m. I wish I knew what was wrong. Is some unforeseen force taking my energy, or like some of my friends have stated am I pregnant? Yeah highly unlikely!! Especially the last one, I don't want to get my hopes up just to be disappointed when I'm not. I know that in time heavenly father will bless us with a baby, whither we have one or we adopt. Well tomorrow is my day off, so after my company leaves I think I a just going to relax and try to recharge my batteries. Hopefully that will help in my tiredness.

Liberty Jail and Independence Visitor Center

Sunday the CTS Family took me to Liberty Jail and the Independence Visitor Center.  It was such a nice experience.  To be there at Liberty Jail where our Prophet, Joseph Smith, was held captive was so spiritual and sad at the same time.  I guess since I know the truth and I truly believe in my heart that Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God, it saddens my soul that they did not believe him and that they persecuted him.  In the Doctrine and Covenants it says that the spillage of his innocent blood seals the testimony, I am hoping I can find it and put the actual quote in here. 
I want to share Joseph Smith's First Vision as put on lds.org:
Joseph Smith's First Vision In accordance with this, my determination to ask of God, I retired to the woods to make the attempt. It was on the morning of a beautiful, clear day, early in the spring of eighteen hundred and twenty. It was the first time in my life that I had made such an attempt, for amidst all my anxieties I had never as yet made the attempt to pray vocally.
After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.
But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction--not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being--just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

	One of them . . . said, pointing to the other--"This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!"

It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other--"This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!"
My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)--and which I should join.
I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: "they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof."
He again forbade me to join with any of them; and many other things did he say unto me, which I cannot write at this time. When I came to myself again, I found myself lying on my back, looking up into heaven. When the light had departed, I had no strength; but soon recovering in some degree, I went home.

Wedding

Tonight I went to my first pagen wedding, or sould I say hand fasting (i think thats how it is spelled). It was very lovely, you culd feel the love between the two as you watched them go through the cerimony. He cerimony its self was very nice. It made me wonder if this was the type of weddings that we performed back in the day, im talking way back. It was held under the night sky with a full moon looking down and candles and lanterns to give light. Its very different from modern weddings but you know what, as long as the two people are commiting them self to eachother it doesnt matter how the cerimony is done. Its funny now a days you get married you have to get a marage license, which cost money then if you want a divorce, you pay hundreds of dollars just to "legally" say you are no longer with this person. The simplicity of the weddings back in the day. I am glad I was able to witness the joining of my two friends. I am also so greatful to have had my wedding to my husband. Mine wasnt an all out expensive wedding. We bought the license and my church performed the cerimony, some of the women of my church decorated and made my cake and refreshments. The women did such a wonderful job at putting my wedding together at the last minute. And what a relief it was not to go crazy over the planning. But to me no matter how big or small, how expensive or non expensive it is, the part that matters is that you are giving yourself to your partner and they are doing the same. I love my husband with all my heart and soul!!

Slavery is still alive today.

In this day and age we think that slavery. Was abolished. But honestly was it really? Yes the African-Americans and other races were no longer servants without pay but was slavery really taken away? I say no. Today there is still slavery. But see not everyone calls it that, they call it life. I say we are slaves today. One way we are slaves is to money, without money we could not exist. Think about it, we need money to eat, to live, to buy things. And what do we do we work our butts off to gain just a little piece of paper and tin. Tell me when is the last time you got free food, without going to a food pantry or home grown. Even home grown food isn't free, you have to pay for the live stock and seeds, you have to pay for the water and food. Then depending on how much you own you have to pay for labor. Oh I forgot that pretty little mortgage on the house and land. Everything revolves around money. We are slaves to the American dollar. Without that we would be homeless and starving. And how do we get money, by slaving away at work. Tell me what is free in this world. I think the only thing that is free is my farts. Sorry but its the facts. I would love to be marooned on a unknown, deserted island. Where I would have to make my own house, grow my own food and not pay a dime to do it. Oh yes that would be paradise. I think I was born in the wrong time and wrong place. I dream of a life where I am not a slave to money or my job. Where I don't have to pay outrageous prices to eat. I dream of my own island called Alora island.

My past makes me, me!

I have noticed recently that when I watch, listen to or look at something from my childhood it takes me back and makes me feel so safe and secure. Why is that? Its just memories, its not like I am living in that time again. Granted during some of my teenage years I made a lot of mistakes, there are somethings that I loved. Me living alone in my house kind of takes me back to when I was in high school. I practically lived in my room. I had my TV, a recliner, my stereo, everything that is in a front room I had in my room, well almost everything I didn't have a couch. I used to watch TV or sometime I would play music and sing, read...the only thing different now is that I don't have my dad in the same house. But yet I noticed I don't feel as secure as I did back then. I honestly wish I could go back and live my childhood/teen years. But of coarse I would love to change some things, mostly I would have my mom alive. No matter hard my childhood was growing up without here, it was my childhood and I love it, because it is what makes me me. I have learned from mistakes, heart break, triumph and misses. And I am happy with myself no matter what my past was.

Empty Bed

Chango and I have been together for 10 years. Out of those 10 years we have been living together for 9.5 years. Every night when I laid my self down to bed he was right there by my side. Even during the 2 years that he worked grave yard he would come home and lay in bed right next to me. So when he decided this year to become a truck driver and be 48 states otr (over the road) I started to panic. At first I felt like I could do it, then I was like no I can't, I went back and forth about it. The day he left, I was at work. He came to tell me bye, spent some time with me then left to go catch his bus. That night I thought was the hardest night of my life, I went home and cried. But I didn't fully let myself cry, I told my self to suck it up, that we would have to live alone for a little while. Then he came home for a brief time and left and once again I cried. He came home again and left again and I cried, again. But the one thing that I can not get used to is my empty bed. This last time that he came and left that night I crawled into bed with my back facing his side of the bed. And what did I do, the little backwards shuffle to feel his body next to mine. But no matter how much I shuffled I didn't feel it, his side was empty, and so I cried. I cried and hoped that if I put my hand behind me I would feel him, and of coarse no one was there. An so I cried some more. It wasn't until I called his dog onto the bed, shes a pit bull, that I was able to go to sleep. Her big body laying against my back gave me enough comfort to get to sleep. I can handle coming home to an empty house, cooking for one, going to the store by myself, throwing the trash. But the one thing I can not handle and I don't think I will every get used to, is that empty bed...well at least it will be empty till the next time he comes home!

Good help is hard to find

While I was cleaning my house to welcome the missionaries into my home, I realized something....I need a maid!!! I hate to clean, and everyone who knows me will know if I don't like it I won't do it. I need someone who will be kind enough to my animals. Pick up after them, at times they are worse than kids. Wash my dishes, pick up my house, vacuum, and most of all do my laundry. Everything that I am suppose to be doing but I don't always do. She could come once a day, while I am away at work so I wouldn't get in her way. (i am being so sexist, I mean her/his way, after all it can be a male.) and leave before I get home, with all the animals fed so all I would have to do is feed myself. But where would I find the right type of person? If I had a magic wand I could wave it in the air and the house would clean its self. The dogs would be magically fed. I could even get dinner cooked without lifting a finger. Oh what a wonderful magic filled life harry potter made it seem like. The swish of your wand and dishes are washing themselves. It's nice to dream, to imagine. But reality sits in, I do not have a maid r a magic wand, so I must go and finish those dishes in the sink....

Lessons from family home evening

Today I went to home of the CTS family for family home evening (fme). FME is something us Mormons do on Monday evenings, we devote the evening to activities as a family, scripture study, just creating the bond of families that much stronger. So tonight I was invited to attend. It started with a wonderful family dinner and then us gathering in the living room to discuss up coming apt and activities. We had a lesson giving by grandma CTS, the kids did short skits and talents, and. Papa CTS left us with a wonderful scripture to help change or life. It is doctrine and covenants 88: 119 "Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God.". Boy did that hit home, my house is not organized. It is cluttered and untidy. And the Lord does not dwell in untidy homes. Like papa CTS said, "we keep our churches and temples clean so that the spirit of the Lord may be there." I need to start thinking of my home as my own personal church or temple. I do not want to dirty my church and definitaly do not want to dirty my temple, so why am I dirtying my home? So how and what can I do to change my ways? Its just me at home and there is no reason why my home should get untidy. I know I am not going to change over night. It would be nice to become ocd over night, then it would be clean and stay clean. But like anything else it needs steps taken. Tonight after I conclude this, I will be picking up I have the missionaries coming over. After that I will have to. Put it in Heavenly Fathers hands to give me strength to change and organize my home so that way his spirit may be felt in it. My example of the type of home is the CTS Families home. They are my example of how I want my family to be like when we start our own. I look up to them because they are truly living the gospel.

Rich or Poor

I always ask myself, do I want to be rich or do I want to be poor?  Most people will say well I want to be rich. But is that me? Yes being rich means having a lot of money, and with this economy who wouldn't want all that money?  But having too much money and being material about it isn't good either.  I see rich people and I see how sad they can be.  Yes they have money and they do not have to worry about how they are going to pay this bill and that bill, yes they can afford to go on vacations every month if not every day.  But is there truly love in their home? Money does not buy love.

I get tired of worrying about how this bill is going to get paid or if we are going to have enough money to pay that bill.  But when I really think about it I think I do not want to be rich.   Yes I would love for my husband not to be away over the road working his butt off, barely eating and sleeping.  For him to be home every night by my side.  It would be nice when the bills and the paychecks come in to be able to pay them, instead of figuring out what bill could hold off till the next pay day.  Yes it would be nice to be able not to live from payday to payday and not stress over finances.  I think that is all I ask, is to not stress over bills, to have enough money coming in that we are not working ourselves to death and yet we are able to spend more time with each other.  No I don't want to be rich.  I think being rich could hurt relationships.  

To me I am not poor, I am rich. Richer that what money can bring me.  I have a husband, whom I love and loves me, we may not have a perfect relationship but tell me who does (if you say you do then something is wrong somewhere in your relationship, we are all different people and conflicts arise, how we deal with them is what keeps our relationship working), I have the love of the gospel in my life, my church, the love from my Heavenly Father, The CTS family that has adopted me as one of their own, family members that worry about me and call me just to make sure I am alright.  I maybe home alone, but I am love.  And having Love makes you richer than all the money in the world.  

I may worry and stress over how to pay the bills and feed my husband that is driving over the country but that is small compared to the love I have in my life. The gospel has helped me out a lot and putting my faith in my Heavenly Father to know that he will provides a way makes every day "poorness" (according to the world because we do not make more than their standard) not there.  I am rich, Richer that any worldly rich person out there.

What's in a picture??

About everyone has them on their walls. Some are of friends, family; others are of animals, plants or paintings. But mostly everyone has pictures on their walls. Some are in frames, some are just taped on, and then there is my favorite, a page out of a magazine. What ever they are of they serve a purpose, to decorate, to remind, to show your taste in things, to make your home homey. And then there are pictures that represent your religion, and those are the ones I want to look into closer. Since I was small I have always had three pictures in my house, one was of the last supper, one that looks like a little kid kneeling and praying and one of the Savior, Jesus Christ. Now as I make my own home, I have incorporated some of those familiar pictures and I have added some of my own also. I have the picture of Jesus that my mom put up on the wall, and my dad gave me the picture of the child praying. But I have added a picture of the LDS prophets, from Joseph Smith to Gordon B. Hinckley. When I went to St. Louis on Friday, on the temple grounds was a church distribution store and so I popped my head in and bought a picture of our current prophet, Thomas Monson and his councilors as well as the Nauvoo and St. Louis Temples. Later that night I was able to find some very inexpensive frames. Now my current pictures are hanging in the dinning room, but since I have bought the new ones I have this urge to rehang them in the living room, even though I can see them from the where I sit on the couch I till have the urge to move them. Why is that? What is the symbolism behind the pictures. Well the one of Christ should be obvious. Having a picture of him is comforting, it helps in time of need to be able to gaze upon his face as I pray. The ones of the temples are. To remind me that I have gone into those temples to do baptisms for the dead and I should strive to get my endowments and be sealed to my family. But what about the prophets? Why have a picture of them? That is a good question that I still do not know the answer too. Is it because I sustain them as prophets of Heavenly Father and I know in my heart they were his servants? Is it because that is what a Mormon family suppose to have in their home? Is it a standard for a Mormon family to have them? What is the true meaning behind the pictures. I think it is because I know they were called of God to lead his church and because I support them (sustain) them, that is why I have them. Because under the guidance of prophets is where I want my home to be. I want my home built under Christ' teachings and words and my home guided by the living prophet. A home built upon the word of God has a firm foundation and can not be falter. That is the meaning behind my pictures.

St. Louis Temple

Friday August 5, 2011 was youth temple day for my branch, Concordia branch. And so since I have a temple recommend I went with them. It was youth day but anyone who had a recommend could go. The car was packed with us women and it was a nice ride up there. We ended up getting to the temple 5 minutes till 9 and mind you we left at probably 6:15ish from Concordia. When it was our time we went in our small branch and sat in the chapel waiting to do the baptisms for the dead (B4TD), when another group which I think was from blue springs accompanied us. It was nice because my branch decided to sing while we were waiting, and after th other group came in they joined in. It was so nice to hear that room filled with song. After our temple time we changed out of our clothes into our street clothes and ate lunch, I stayed behind with the CTS family, while we were eating lunch the rains came down. So our trip to the zoo was cancelled and we ended up going to the science museum, which was nice. I was pretty bummed because they had the body and mind display but you had to pay to see it. On the car ride home I was with Sis J and her boys and Klub. It was a nice being in the car with them. Sis J and I were able to talk one on one and I feel like we got to know each other more, which is awsome I really like her. I finally got home at 9:30 and feel asleep. What a beautiful memorable day it was!!

I feel like a murderer :(

Like the title says, I feel like a murderer. I have mice that I raise that are food for my snakes. My snakes are not full grown so I have to kill the mice before they reach adult size. The first time I did it I had 12 to kill, lucky Chango called me and I was able to do it as I talked to him. The second time I wasn't so lucky to have someone to talk to as I did the deed. This time I have almost 30 to kill. I have been feeding them to the snakes two at a time, but still there is a bunch to kill. Its not easy killing the mice, they are a living thing and to hear them squill and gasp for air. And their eyes, you can see the life drained. They go from this bright red to a dull grayish red. The worst is when I have to do it. What I do (yes this is graphic) is I take them with my tongs by the base of the tail, put a flat head screw driver against their neck, pull on the tail so the body is tight and quickly yank up towards the ceiling, folding their neck in half. If done right this kills them right away. But sometimes I do it wrong and there they go gasping for air. No matter how many times I do it I feel so bad. Now here's the funny part, I can take the live mouse and put it with the snake and feel nothing, no remorse. I watch them kill it then swallow it whole. But when it comes to me doing it it almost tears me apart. I think the only way to fix my solution, and when we get financially settled, I am going to buy a co2 canister and make a kill chamber so I can gas them. I think then I will not feel like a murderer. (hopefully)

I could throw it in the river and not care!!

I am so mad right now. I was writing a blog on my phone, since the library is closed I have to use my phone internet, and guess what my phone did. It turned off!! And so my blog, which was a long from the heart how I feel blog is gone. Erased, never posted, never existed. The exact thoughts I wrote are gone forever. Yes I can recall what I was blogging about, but the exact wording will not be the same. Maybe that blog was never ment to be published and that's why the phone turned off. Who knows how the world revolves. Why things happen and why they don't. As I look at it it is Gods will. But I am still mad at the stupid phone turning off. It always does this. And if I call t-mobile about it they will say, well I don't know no other reports of this happening has gone through. Ugh!

Patriarchal blessing

     It has been bugging me lately to receive my Patriarchal blessing.  So today when I get off of work I am going to jam to Concordia to have an interview with the Branch President to see if I am worthy to receive my blessing.  Some of you may be wondering what is a Patriarchal Blessing. This is what lds.org says a Patriarchal Blessing is: Patriarchal blessings are given to worthy members of the Church by ordained patriarchs. Patriarchal blessings include a declaration of a person's lineage in the house of Israel and contain personal counsel from the Lord. As a person studies his or her patriarchal blessing and follows the counsel it contains, it will provide guidance, comfort, and protection.  It is a blessing (prayer) that is received that if you follow the commandments the promises can be fulfilled. 

     For years it has been bugging me because I have not received mine.  A few months ago I was able to receive a copy of my mom's Patriarchal Blessing and some of the things that were promised to her I have seen came true.  (I am not going to go into detail about them, for they are very personal).  It made me cry to see how much was so true.   

     I can't wait to get off of work to night and head to the church.  

Finally tired!!

I am finally tired of not having t.v. I have no cable, no satilite and no bunny ears. I did go to wal-mart and buy one of those converter boxes. I spent $60, brought it home hooked it up and got 6 channels. Out of the six there was only one channel that was localish. There was one that showed reruns of the painter with big hair that made funny sounds, a few were in a different language, pbs and the weather. It so wasn't worth the $60. It didn't even get fox, and I love fox. So since I can't have bunny ears it looks like I have to pay for my t.v. I am going to have to do some major looking into. I want to be able to pick the best choice for my money. The pros and cons of cable and satalite. But first of all Chango has to bring in the dough.

What things will drive me??

How do I get motivated? Lately I have been so not motivated. I do not want to go to work. I do not want to clean or cook. I do not want my animals near me. I just do not want to do anything but stay at home. How do I get myself motivated to do stuff. I want to get on a schedule to do things. It amazes me when I go to my favorite church family and everytime I am there we have scripture reading and we visit a fellow sister. They have a schedule and they stick to it. I want to have a schedule. My ideal day is to get up around 8 am, read scriptures, pick up for 15-30 min, if the library is open then go there or spend some time with friends here in town, work, come eat dinner, read scriptures and pick up for 15 min. Then in bed no later than 11 pm. But that is an ideal day that, knowing myself, sounds good but I will not do. Even if I say im going to do it, I will probably do it for a week or two and then stop. Like today, I wonke up and did nothing, of coarse I feel like doing nothing. And I want to be a home person....

Not at all sleepy.

Why is it that some days I can be sleepy by 10pm and some days, like today, I am still away when 3am rolls around? Am I forcing myself to be awake because I don't lay in my bed and "try" to sleep? Why is it that now, as I lay in my bed writing this I all of a sudden feel the urge to sleep? But yet there afre times where I lie in bed, read or play on my phone and I have no desire to sleep. Do I have insomina or is it somthing else? Wonder what I can do to make myself sleep everytime at the same time. Then I can wake up at the same time everyday....bu thats a different post. Night ya'lls!