Looking foward to the next life

Today I watched an episode of my favorite soap opera, One Life to Live. It was also my mom's soap opera. In one of the scenes a girl that was suppose to be dead but wasn't, came back and showed her self to her son. Of coarse it being so close to the anniversary of my mom's death, that scene touched my heart. 

At first I wanted to wish that it was my life, that my mom wasn't dead, but I quickly snapped my head back to reality. My second thought was, when my time is done here on this earth I will once again be united with my mom. I have it all played out in my mind, there she will be standing in a huge white room with her back towards me, and when I call for her she will turn around and look exactly as I remember her, and of coarse I will run into her arms and hold on and not let go. I don't know if it will be the way I dream it will be, but I do know one thing. When I die I will be united with her, that this life will seem like just a dream and we will have the rest of eternity to spend together. How do I know this? The teachings of my church, my beliefs, and the whisperings of the Holy Ghost tell me. I am so grateful for the things that I have been taught. Some people think I am weird when I say I look forward to dieing. But I say that because I look foward to my next life after this one and being reunited with my mom, the only person who holds more than half of my heart.

Chistmas is not a happy time of year

I know Christmas is suppose to be a joyful time of year. Why not presents, family and the real reason: Jesus' birth. But every year Christmas means a nothing thing to me. Its a reminder that another year is passing that I will not have my mom here beside me in this life. This year will be the 19th year anniversary. I have been alive for 19 years without my mom. The grief of it starts setting in as Christmas appears. Then comes the count down. I have been able to deal with it better, so to say, as the years pass but the sting and the memories of that night still play in my mind. At times I feel like I am a little kid trapped in an adult life when I think of this time of year. I know the more positive way to think of it is by celebrating her life rather than grieve, but I can't seem to get my mind to do that. She will always be my mom, she will always have my heart more than anyone else would ever have. I love her and wish she could be here with me, but most of all I keep her in my heart!

A Trucker's 12 Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: 12 good bye kisses, 11 brand new tires, 10 closed scales, 9 cups of coffee, 8 new log books, 7 shower passes, 6 straps for strapping, 5 coveralls, 4 brand new tires, 3 packs of cigarettes, 2 smoke stacks and a garmin G.P.S.

Why am I Mormon?

I was asked one ay, no by one but by more than one friend, why I am Mormon. This question has been stuck in my head for quite awhile, and I have ponder the question. Is it because that is what I know since I grew p in the church, tradition? (those who know me know I have strayed away from it then came back) is it because I am too scared to venture out and see what other churches offer? (i cant really say it is that because I have been to other churches). Do I really believe in Mormonism? When I think of this question one thing pops into my mind: I am Mormon because I have prayed about it, I have prayed to know if the Book of Mormon is true, I have prayed to know if what I believe in is correct. And each and every time the Holy Ghost has whispered to me that yes what I believe in is true. I have felt the Spirit of the Lord tell me that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that the works that we do both in and out of our temples is right. When it comes to explaining my beliefs for some reason I can not voice them, I can not explain why I believe the way I believe. All I know is that the Holy Ghost has told me the truths, I have found my answers in both the bible and the book of Mormon. I know that men interpret the Bible to fit their needs. If Heavenly Father spoke to prophets in the old days then why can't he do it now? Why is it that the Bible has to come from one set of books, couldn't there be other works of God out there? I believe with all my heart and soul that all the prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints from Joseph Smith to Thomas S. Monson were called of God to prepare the children of God for the second coming. To prepare us for Celestial Glory and to dwell with our father and savior Jesus Christ in heaven. Men are flawed therefore religion is flawed. The interpretation of the Bible can sometimes be flawed. For it speaks to each person in different ways. People have rejected some the teachings of Christ or have changed them, that is why there are so many different churches. But one thing that hasn't changed is the love of our Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ, which through him and only him can we be saved. God is the same before and now. If we do not live a righteous path by first, faith in the Lord and Jesus Christ and by our good works and following the commandments of God the we have failed in this life. Jesus taught to love one another, and how do we do that" by our works and service. The Holy Ghost has told me these things are true, and that is why I am Mormon...."Ask and it shall be given; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you" Matthew 7:7 (Luke 11:9, 3nephi 27:29 and 14:7). I say these things and bear my testimony that I know God lives and wants us to return unto him. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Looking Back

Tonight I read some of my post from months ago and at times it felt like I was reading someone else's blog. I haven't been writing every day like I should. At times its nice to look back and read my emotions I felt. But for the past few months things haven't been looking good. I slumped into a dark place again. I was suppose to go on the road with Chango for about a week and is company took forever getting him home. And so I got really stressed and sad thinking I wouldn't see him at all. Luckily he was able to come home for a week. But it took a toll on me, I once again started smoking and occasional drinking. I feel like I threw away everything I worked hard for. Right now I am at a point that I can not go to the temple, which saddens me. But I am still reading my scriptures. I have read the new testament in the bible, and have started on the old testament. I read my book of Mormon. My faith in my Heavenly father hasn't wavered. But I know that if I truly try my best and repent then Heavenly Father will forgive me. I miss going to church, I have been working crazy hours and on Sundays. I miss the fellowship of my church and how I feel so welcomed each and every time. I know that is where I belong. Christmas is around the corner, the day Christ was born in this earth, the day my savor and redeemer came. I love this time of year because it makes me remember him more than what I usually do. I just need to get back on track and I know that I can't do it alone. Only with the strength of my Heavenly Father can it be done. I look forward to being where I was those few short months ago!

Christmas traditions

Last night I set. Up my Nativity set. I combined some of my statues that I bought and painted with my moms set that she got from a relief society activity that my church has. I remember the night she got them, I was able to help her paint one of the statues. Ever since she got them each Christmas we would set it up in the house and then hide baby Jesus until midnight on Christmas eve. So now in my older years I still keep that tradition alive. I set out my set and baby Jesus is still packed away until his birth on Christmas day. Its funny each time I pass a nativity set I just want to take te baby Jesus and id him until Christmas. I love how our parents traditions are passed on, and when I have my children I will pass it on to them.

My set with Mom's set

Mom's set

Missing a birthday

Yesterday was the first time in 10 years that I was not by my husbands side for his birthday. Wen it set in the night before I was sad, because in the past wither we were working that day or not we always were together to celebrate his birthday. And lo and behold yesterday as he had it he sat in Virginia and me here in Missouri (misery as I was calling it). As we talked for hours last night we decided when he comes home we will celebrate. It wont feel the same but I guess something is better than nothing. Maybe I will make him a cake or some brownies with cream cheese on top. I will just have to make the day special for him as if it was his birthday! I love my hubby!!