This is a test....

My jobs

It seems like the life of a wife is to work work and work some more. It's actually pretty hard. Now that I look at it I think I rather have the husbands role instead of he wife's role. I work, granted it is a part time job but I tend to work at least 5 days a week. But my job does not end when I punch out for the night. When I get home I have to cook dinner, even if it is just me eating I still have to cook; feed the cats, dogs, rats, and mice and make sure they have water; and water the garden. On my days off I have to wash clothes, pick up the house, make lunch or dinner, feed and animals, clean what ever else needs cleaning, and run errands. On bill paying days I have to add that part in also. Then if my husband is home that's a totally different story and things get jumbled around or new jobs get added. At times I get over whelmed and all I want to do is just lounge around my home on my days off, but there is always something that I have to do. The jobs of a wife is never done and honestly to me a wife never has a "day off". But I don't think I would trade my life for another...

Finding things to write

I try so hard to write everyday but at times it seems so hard because I don't know what to write about. Sometimes my day is uneventful. The only thing that went on today was that Chango and I spent part of the day together. Then I went to supper out with a friend. (supper out is a thing that the local churches do every other Tuesday. They make dinner for the town and who ever wants to go they can.) During dinner we spoke to the Baptist preacher. The only thing that I can remember is thinking how is it that people can not believe in the Book of Mormon. I have a strong testimony of it. That if you read it and pray about it that it will help you in your personal relationship with our Heavenly Father. I can't believe how some people think it is contradictory to the Bible. If only they will read it they will see that it helps pull you closer to our Heavenly Father. I feel such a strong spirit that comes from it and I truly believe it is another testament of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Ever since I have read it I feel so closer to God and my love for Jesus Christ is so much stronger. I know that God is our loving father in heaven and that Jesus came to the earth and suffered for our sins. Some people think that my church follows Joseph Smith and that through him we maybe saved. But I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, that God is an unchanging God and so therefore he does speak to his children through prophets like in old time. And I know for a fact and believe with all my heart that the only way to be saved and return to our Father in heaven is through Jesus Christ!

Keeping my fingers crossed.

So today I received a phone call from the post master here in town. Last Tuesday I had an interview, and honestly I thought it went well and I had a feeling that I was going to get hired. Today she called me and had to explain a couple of more things that she just found out. She just said that if hired I would have to work full time until the post office headquarter bumped it down to part time. Then I would have those hours until they found a postmaster for this branch. So I would probably have to quit Tyler's. That part sucked because I dont want to quit I wanted to keep it as maybe apart time, on the weekend job. But at the same time could I really work two jobs? The po job works 8 hours a day and on Saturdays I believe they close at noon, which if I am off by 1 or even 3 I can work Tylers till close. (the post master here just drove by my work). Decisions, I guess I just have to talk with Paula and Cody and wait to see what kc says...

Emotions (poem)

RAGE: Can't anyone hear me screaming? PAIN: Locked deep inside my brain. HURT: I cry but no one seems to hear me. WOUNDED: How can I make this go away? BROKEN: The love you give just isn't enough. DARK: To make this cloud disappear. DEPRESSED: I can not stay like this anymore. DEFEATED: I will gladly welcome the kiss of Death!

About time!!!

So I guess this site is making changes or have made them already. Just like Facebook, they can never leave a good thing alone. I had so much to blog about but I couldn't because the site was telling my phone that blogger no longer supported my browser. Ugh! What a nightmare. I was getting frustrated and wanting to close my account and open up a new one that allowed my phone to access it. And so today while at work I was looking up blogs for mobile and lo and behold it was blogger mobile. And so I sent a text to the site to register thinking somehow I can add my existing blog or link them and what joy what blitz I was able to link my phone to my blog!!! So now just like Facebook, I can text my thoughts when ever I want!! And then of coarse when I go to the library to get on the internet I can edit it to how I like. I am just so happy right now that I can blog from my phone again!!! OH how the Lord helps out when you truely need. Something, even if it is small like being able to blog again!

How to get past the past?

Trust is always given but once it is broken how do you get past the hurt. That's the hard part for me. I was hurt and the trust I had is honestly not there. It sucks, majorly. The bed part is I wanna trust again, I am told to put the past in the past. But honestly I feel like I am going to be hurt again. Even though I was told I can trust it still feels like I am going to get hurt. How do I get past this? Once hurt, twice hurt, I don't know if I can handle being hurt for a third time. How do I get past this so that wa it isnt eating me up inside? If only I knew!

The U in Jesus

Before U were tought of or time had begun,
God stuck U in the name of His Son.
And each time U pray, you'll see it's true,
You can't spell out JesUs and not include U.
You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,
For U, He was born; that's why He came.
And His great love for U is the reason He died.
It even takes U to spell crUcified.
Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
He rose from the dead, with U in His plan?
The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,
And this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.
When Jesus left earth at His Upward ascension, 
He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.
"Go into the world and tell them it's true
That I love them all- Just like I love U."
So many great people are spelled with a U,
Don't they have a right to know Jesus too?
It all depends now on what U will do, 
He'd like them to know
But it all starts with U.

I can handle more....

April 2nd was suppose to be a Joyous occasion.  It was our first year anniversary of being husband and wife, although we have been together since 2001.  But be as it may we received a phone call that my MIL was in the hospital.  After that phone call we just wasn't in the mood to celebrate for we were more into knowing how his mother was doing, lucky now she is doing better than what she was. Then a few days ago I called down to my parents house and come to find out my step mom was in the hospital also.  And so my stress level went through the roof.  Me wanting to go to the east and the west coast at the same time but yet not being able to, for some reason I feel that I have to be everywhere to try to help where I can.  The stress was so much that I began to wonder what more can go on, could I handle anything else?  Of coarse I had to snap my self back into reality and realize that I am not alone in this time, my Heavenly Father is here besides me.  So with that in mind, I can handle more.  Bring it on, cause no matter what with Heavenly Father giving me strength I can over come it and I know it will all be okay!  

Needing to count my blessings.

Ok so lately I have been feeling some what overwhelmed, tired, and not wanting to do anything. At times I feel like the move to Missouri was a wrong choice. But I think I better look back and count my blessings. Yeah, sure when we first moved here things didn't go as planned. But, we were able to get into the house we are in without having to send animals to the pound or bury them cause they didn't survive. Yes it was hard finding a job, but after 4 months living here I was able to snag one. Yes it was very hard with Chango leaving to go on the road to be a truck driver and worrying about bills and how he was going to eat. But we got married and he has an awesome job that pays more, he works less hours and is home everyday! We also got married after being together 10 years! Yes even though I have fallen back into my former state, I was able to let go of it, get back into church and even went to the temple, I gained a stronger testimony and my patriarchal blessing. Being Mormon is where I should be. Yes I have down in the dumps and missing California and thinking my move to Missouri was wrong. But I need to step back and thank my Heavenly Father and I need too count my blessings, for many great things have happened to our family since moving to Missouri!

Why do I feel this way?

At times the way I feel drives me insane! For the last 9 months I have been living alone while Chango is on the road driving. I have never liked being alone in the house and yet here I am sitting on the couch alone, well except for the dogs. I am also waiting for Chango to call, I guess the truck stop he is at is showing movies and so he is watching one or two. It drives me insane, not to be able to talk to him when I want. But I have to be more understanding; he is on the road, he needs to relax sometimes instead of being cooped up in that truck. I just can't wait till he is on a local route where he is home again. This is no life, living apart from my husband. Thats all I want is him home, by my side, making our home a home. Is that too much to ask? Am I being selfish? Why do I feel this way and not happy that he is providing for us?

Ment for eachother

I love Chango with all my heart!! I truly believe he and I were meant for each other, that we were together in the pre-mortal life, and some how we found each other in this life. You probably wonder how I can think that, and at times I wonder how I can think it also. He and I are opposites! We don't like the same type of music, our taste in movies are different, even our taste in foods are different. But even though we are different in many things, we compromise to make it work. After 10 years we have learned if we come to a middle both of us walk away happy. But we aren't always different, when we talk about our future, the type of house we want, how we want to raise our kids once we have them we tend to be on the same track. That is when we come together as one. I am so grateful to have him as a husband even though he is not perfect, but heck there was only one perfect man on this earth and he is Jesus. Heavenly Father has blessed us in our marriage and our years together and I continue to believe He will bless us in the years to come!

First post of the new year

2012, a new year. People try to make resolution lists only to throw them out the window. I was going to try to make one, but knowing me I will not stick to it, so instead I am just going to try to change a couple o things in my life. Its not that I am making a resolution list its just things that I have wanted to start changing, one is I want to be able to clean more that what I do. Usually, since I work, my house stays messy until I have company from my church coming over or Chango is coming home for the weekend. So in return I usually wait till the last minute, or day to do a fly through the house, shove things where they can't be seen and voila my house is clean. So I want to try to clean at least one room of the house a day. My other thing, which I have been working on this year, is to read my scriptures every day. I do good for a few weeks, then go without reading. I notice when I read I feel better about life cause I have the Lord's words with me. since last night was new years and the start of a new year I was hoping the year would start off right, but instead my year started a bit crappy. For hours I couldn't get a hold of Chango and I was starting to worry bad. But finally he called, he was stuck at the shipper and his phone died. I was just grateful Heavenly Father kept him safe last night, maybe hi being stuck there instead of on the road saved his life. That is a big possibility that Heavenly Father kept him off of the road and out of harms way, maybe something could have happened if he was driving with the drunks. Either reason, I am very grateful he was kept safe and I know Heavenly Father played apart of it. After all doesn't he play a part of our lives? I think certain things happen or don't happen because of him. If we just put our trust in him he will lead us and guide us through this life and this new year. Welcome 20 12, may Heavenly Father guide me through this year and bless my family!

Looking foward to the next life

Today I watched an episode of my favorite soap opera, One Life to Live. It was also my mom's soap opera. In one of the scenes a girl that was suppose to be dead but wasn't, came back and showed her self to her son. Of coarse it being so close to the anniversary of my mom's death, that scene touched my heart. 

At first I wanted to wish that it was my life, that my mom wasn't dead, but I quickly snapped my head back to reality. My second thought was, when my time is done here on this earth I will once again be united with my mom. I have it all played out in my mind, there she will be standing in a huge white room with her back towards me, and when I call for her she will turn around and look exactly as I remember her, and of coarse I will run into her arms and hold on and not let go. I don't know if it will be the way I dream it will be, but I do know one thing. When I die I will be united with her, that this life will seem like just a dream and we will have the rest of eternity to spend together. How do I know this? The teachings of my church, my beliefs, and the whisperings of the Holy Ghost tell me. I am so grateful for the things that I have been taught. Some people think I am weird when I say I look forward to dieing. But I say that because I look foward to my next life after this one and being reunited with my mom, the only person who holds more than half of my heart.

Chistmas is not a happy time of year

I know Christmas is suppose to be a joyful time of year. Why not presents, family and the real reason: Jesus' birth. But every year Christmas means a nothing thing to me. Its a reminder that another year is passing that I will not have my mom here beside me in this life. This year will be the 19th year anniversary. I have been alive for 19 years without my mom. The grief of it starts setting in as Christmas appears. Then comes the count down. I have been able to deal with it better, so to say, as the years pass but the sting and the memories of that night still play in my mind. At times I feel like I am a little kid trapped in an adult life when I think of this time of year. I know the more positive way to think of it is by celebrating her life rather than grieve, but I can't seem to get my mind to do that. She will always be my mom, she will always have my heart more than anyone else would ever have. I love her and wish she could be here with me, but most of all I keep her in my heart!

A Trucker's 12 Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: 12 good bye kisses, 11 brand new tires, 10 closed scales, 9 cups of coffee, 8 new log books, 7 shower passes, 6 straps for strapping, 5 coveralls, 4 brand new tires, 3 packs of cigarettes, 2 smoke stacks and a garmin G.P.S.

Why am I Mormon?

I was asked one ay, no by one but by more than one friend, why I am Mormon. This question has been stuck in my head for quite awhile, and I have ponder the question. Is it because that is what I know since I grew p in the church, tradition? (those who know me know I have strayed away from it then came back) is it because I am too scared to venture out and see what other churches offer? (i cant really say it is that because I have been to other churches). Do I really believe in Mormonism? When I think of this question one thing pops into my mind: I am Mormon because I have prayed about it, I have prayed to know if the Book of Mormon is true, I have prayed to know if what I believe in is correct. And each and every time the Holy Ghost has whispered to me that yes what I believe in is true. I have felt the Spirit of the Lord tell me that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that the works that we do both in and out of our temples is right. When it comes to explaining my beliefs for some reason I can not voice them, I can not explain why I believe the way I believe. All I know is that the Holy Ghost has told me the truths, I have found my answers in both the bible and the book of Mormon. I know that men interpret the Bible to fit their needs. If Heavenly Father spoke to prophets in the old days then why can't he do it now? Why is it that the Bible has to come from one set of books, couldn't there be other works of God out there? I believe with all my heart and soul that all the prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints from Joseph Smith to Thomas S. Monson were called of God to prepare the children of God for the second coming. To prepare us for Celestial Glory and to dwell with our father and savior Jesus Christ in heaven. Men are flawed therefore religion is flawed. The interpretation of the Bible can sometimes be flawed. For it speaks to each person in different ways. People have rejected some the teachings of Christ or have changed them, that is why there are so many different churches. But one thing that hasn't changed is the love of our Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ, which through him and only him can we be saved. God is the same before and now. If we do not live a righteous path by first, faith in the Lord and Jesus Christ and by our good works and following the commandments of God the we have failed in this life. Jesus taught to love one another, and how do we do that" by our works and service. The Holy Ghost has told me these things are true, and that is why I am Mormon...."Ask and it shall be given; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you" Matthew 7:7 (Luke 11:9, 3nephi 27:29 and 14:7). I say these things and bear my testimony that I know God lives and wants us to return unto him. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Looking Back

Tonight I read some of my post from months ago and at times it felt like I was reading someone else's blog. I haven't been writing every day like I should. At times its nice to look back and read my emotions I felt. But for the past few months things haven't been looking good. I slumped into a dark place again. I was suppose to go on the road with Chango for about a week and is company took forever getting him home. And so I got really stressed and sad thinking I wouldn't see him at all. Luckily he was able to come home for a week. But it took a toll on me, I once again started smoking and occasional drinking. I feel like I threw away everything I worked hard for. Right now I am at a point that I can not go to the temple, which saddens me. But I am still reading my scriptures. I have read the new testament in the bible, and have started on the old testament. I read my book of Mormon. My faith in my Heavenly father hasn't wavered. But I know that if I truly try my best and repent then Heavenly Father will forgive me. I miss going to church, I have been working crazy hours and on Sundays. I miss the fellowship of my church and how I feel so welcomed each and every time. I know that is where I belong. Christmas is around the corner, the day Christ was born in this earth, the day my savor and redeemer came. I love this time of year because it makes me remember him more than what I usually do. I just need to get back on track and I know that I can't do it alone. Only with the strength of my Heavenly Father can it be done. I look forward to being where I was those few short months ago!

Christmas traditions

Last night I set. Up my Nativity set. I combined some of my statues that I bought and painted with my moms set that she got from a relief society activity that my church has. I remember the night she got them, I was able to help her paint one of the statues. Ever since she got them each Christmas we would set it up in the house and then hide baby Jesus until midnight on Christmas eve. So now in my older years I still keep that tradition alive. I set out my set and baby Jesus is still packed away until his birth on Christmas day. Its funny each time I pass a nativity set I just want to take te baby Jesus and id him until Christmas. I love how our parents traditions are passed on, and when I have my children I will pass it on to them.

My set with Mom's set

Mom's set

Missing a birthday

Yesterday was the first time in 10 years that I was not by my husbands side for his birthday. Wen it set in the night before I was sad, because in the past wither we were working that day or not we always were together to celebrate his birthday. And lo and behold yesterday as he had it he sat in Virginia and me here in Missouri (misery as I was calling it). As we talked for hours last night we decided when he comes home we will celebrate. It wont feel the same but I guess something is better than nothing. Maybe I will make him a cake or some brownies with cream cheese on top. I will just have to make the day special for him as if it was his birthday! I love my hubby!!