How to get past the past?

Trust is always given but once it is broken how do you get past the hurt. That's the hard part for me. I was hurt and the trust I had is honestly not there. It sucks, majorly. The bed part is I wanna trust again, I am told to put the past in the past. But honestly I feel like I am going to be hurt again. Even though I was told I can trust it still feels like I am going to get hurt. How do I get past this? Once hurt, twice hurt, I don't know if I can handle being hurt for a third time. How do I get past this so that wa it isnt eating me up inside? If only I knew!

The U in Jesus

Before U were tought of or time had begun,
God stuck U in the name of His Son.
And each time U pray, you'll see it's true,
You can't spell out JesUs and not include U.
You're a pretty big part of His wonderful name,
For U, He was born; that's why He came.
And His great love for U is the reason He died.
It even takes U to spell crUcified.
Isn't it thrilling and splendidly grand
He rose from the dead, with U in His plan?
The stones split away, the gold trUmpet blew,
And this word resUrrection is spelled with a U.
When Jesus left earth at His Upward ascension, 
He felt there was one thing He just had to mention.
"Go into the world and tell them it's true
That I love them all- Just like I love U."
So many great people are spelled with a U,
Don't they have a right to know Jesus too?
It all depends now on what U will do, 
He'd like them to know
But it all starts with U.

I can handle more....

April 2nd was suppose to be a Joyous occasion.  It was our first year anniversary of being husband and wife, although we have been together since 2001.  But be as it may we received a phone call that my MIL was in the hospital.  After that phone call we just wasn't in the mood to celebrate for we were more into knowing how his mother was doing, lucky now she is doing better than what she was. Then a few days ago I called down to my parents house and come to find out my step mom was in the hospital also.  And so my stress level went through the roof.  Me wanting to go to the east and the west coast at the same time but yet not being able to, for some reason I feel that I have to be everywhere to try to help where I can.  The stress was so much that I began to wonder what more can go on, could I handle anything else?  Of coarse I had to snap my self back into reality and realize that I am not alone in this time, my Heavenly Father is here besides me.  So with that in mind, I can handle more.  Bring it on, cause no matter what with Heavenly Father giving me strength I can over come it and I know it will all be okay!  

Needing to count my blessings.

Ok so lately I have been feeling some what overwhelmed, tired, and not wanting to do anything. At times I feel like the move to Missouri was a wrong choice. But I think I better look back and count my blessings. Yeah, sure when we first moved here things didn't go as planned. But, we were able to get into the house we are in without having to send animals to the pound or bury them cause they didn't survive. Yes it was hard finding a job, but after 4 months living here I was able to snag one. Yes it was very hard with Chango leaving to go on the road to be a truck driver and worrying about bills and how he was going to eat. But we got married and he has an awesome job that pays more, he works less hours and is home everyday! We also got married after being together 10 years! Yes even though I have fallen back into my former state, I was able to let go of it, get back into church and even went to the temple, I gained a stronger testimony and my patriarchal blessing. Being Mormon is where I should be. Yes I have down in the dumps and missing California and thinking my move to Missouri was wrong. But I need to step back and thank my Heavenly Father and I need too count my blessings, for many great things have happened to our family since moving to Missouri!

Why do I feel this way?

At times the way I feel drives me insane! For the last 9 months I have been living alone while Chango is on the road driving. I have never liked being alone in the house and yet here I am sitting on the couch alone, well except for the dogs. I am also waiting for Chango to call, I guess the truck stop he is at is showing movies and so he is watching one or two. It drives me insane, not to be able to talk to him when I want. But I have to be more understanding; he is on the road, he needs to relax sometimes instead of being cooped up in that truck. I just can't wait till he is on a local route where he is home again. This is no life, living apart from my husband. Thats all I want is him home, by my side, making our home a home. Is that too much to ask? Am I being selfish? Why do I feel this way and not happy that he is providing for us?

Ment for eachother

I love Chango with all my heart!! I truly believe he and I were meant for each other, that we were together in the pre-mortal life, and some how we found each other in this life. You probably wonder how I can think that, and at times I wonder how I can think it also. He and I are opposites! We don't like the same type of music, our taste in movies are different, even our taste in foods are different. But even though we are different in many things, we compromise to make it work. After 10 years we have learned if we come to a middle both of us walk away happy. But we aren't always different, when we talk about our future, the type of house we want, how we want to raise our kids once we have them we tend to be on the same track. That is when we come together as one. I am so grateful to have him as a husband even though he is not perfect, but heck there was only one perfect man on this earth and he is Jesus. Heavenly Father has blessed us in our marriage and our years together and I continue to believe He will bless us in the years to come!

First post of the new year

2012, a new year. People try to make resolution lists only to throw them out the window. I was going to try to make one, but knowing me I will not stick to it, so instead I am just going to try to change a couple o things in my life. Its not that I am making a resolution list its just things that I have wanted to start changing, one is I want to be able to clean more that what I do. Usually, since I work, my house stays messy until I have company from my church coming over or Chango is coming home for the weekend. So in return I usually wait till the last minute, or day to do a fly through the house, shove things where they can't be seen and voila my house is clean. So I want to try to clean at least one room of the house a day. My other thing, which I have been working on this year, is to read my scriptures every day. I do good for a few weeks, then go without reading. I notice when I read I feel better about life cause I have the Lord's words with me. since last night was new years and the start of a new year I was hoping the year would start off right, but instead my year started a bit crappy. For hours I couldn't get a hold of Chango and I was starting to worry bad. But finally he called, he was stuck at the shipper and his phone died. I was just grateful Heavenly Father kept him safe last night, maybe hi being stuck there instead of on the road saved his life. That is a big possibility that Heavenly Father kept him off of the road and out of harms way, maybe something could have happened if he was driving with the drunks. Either reason, I am very grateful he was kept safe and I know Heavenly Father played apart of it. After all doesn't he play a part of our lives? I think certain things happen or don't happen because of him. If we just put our trust in him he will lead us and guide us through this life and this new year. Welcome 20 12, may Heavenly Father guide me through this year and bless my family!

Looking foward to the next life

Today I watched an episode of my favorite soap opera, One Life to Live. It was also my mom's soap opera. In one of the scenes a girl that was suppose to be dead but wasn't, came back and showed her self to her son. Of coarse it being so close to the anniversary of my mom's death, that scene touched my heart. 

At first I wanted to wish that it was my life, that my mom wasn't dead, but I quickly snapped my head back to reality. My second thought was, when my time is done here on this earth I will once again be united with my mom. I have it all played out in my mind, there she will be standing in a huge white room with her back towards me, and when I call for her she will turn around and look exactly as I remember her, and of coarse I will run into her arms and hold on and not let go. I don't know if it will be the way I dream it will be, but I do know one thing. When I die I will be united with her, that this life will seem like just a dream and we will have the rest of eternity to spend together. How do I know this? The teachings of my church, my beliefs, and the whisperings of the Holy Ghost tell me. I am so grateful for the things that I have been taught. Some people think I am weird when I say I look forward to dieing. But I say that because I look foward to my next life after this one and being reunited with my mom, the only person who holds more than half of my heart.

Chistmas is not a happy time of year

I know Christmas is suppose to be a joyful time of year. Why not presents, family and the real reason: Jesus' birth. But every year Christmas means a nothing thing to me. Its a reminder that another year is passing that I will not have my mom here beside me in this life. This year will be the 19th year anniversary. I have been alive for 19 years without my mom. The grief of it starts setting in as Christmas appears. Then comes the count down. I have been able to deal with it better, so to say, as the years pass but the sting and the memories of that night still play in my mind. At times I feel like I am a little kid trapped in an adult life when I think of this time of year. I know the more positive way to think of it is by celebrating her life rather than grieve, but I can't seem to get my mind to do that. She will always be my mom, she will always have my heart more than anyone else would ever have. I love her and wish she could be here with me, but most of all I keep her in my heart!

A Trucker's 12 Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: 12 good bye kisses, 11 brand new tires, 10 closed scales, 9 cups of coffee, 8 new log books, 7 shower passes, 6 straps for strapping, 5 coveralls, 4 brand new tires, 3 packs of cigarettes, 2 smoke stacks and a garmin G.P.S.

Why am I Mormon?

I was asked one ay, no by one but by more than one friend, why I am Mormon. This question has been stuck in my head for quite awhile, and I have ponder the question. Is it because that is what I know since I grew p in the church, tradition? (those who know me know I have strayed away from it then came back) is it because I am too scared to venture out and see what other churches offer? (i cant really say it is that because I have been to other churches). Do I really believe in Mormonism? When I think of this question one thing pops into my mind: I am Mormon because I have prayed about it, I have prayed to know if the Book of Mormon is true, I have prayed to know if what I believe in is correct. And each and every time the Holy Ghost has whispered to me that yes what I believe in is true. I have felt the Spirit of the Lord tell me that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that the works that we do both in and out of our temples is right. When it comes to explaining my beliefs for some reason I can not voice them, I can not explain why I believe the way I believe. All I know is that the Holy Ghost has told me the truths, I have found my answers in both the bible and the book of Mormon. I know that men interpret the Bible to fit their needs. If Heavenly Father spoke to prophets in the old days then why can't he do it now? Why is it that the Bible has to come from one set of books, couldn't there be other works of God out there? I believe with all my heart and soul that all the prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints from Joseph Smith to Thomas S. Monson were called of God to prepare the children of God for the second coming. To prepare us for Celestial Glory and to dwell with our father and savior Jesus Christ in heaven. Men are flawed therefore religion is flawed. The interpretation of the Bible can sometimes be flawed. For it speaks to each person in different ways. People have rejected some the teachings of Christ or have changed them, that is why there are so many different churches. But one thing that hasn't changed is the love of our Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ, which through him and only him can we be saved. God is the same before and now. If we do not live a righteous path by first, faith in the Lord and Jesus Christ and by our good works and following the commandments of God the we have failed in this life. Jesus taught to love one another, and how do we do that" by our works and service. The Holy Ghost has told me these things are true, and that is why I am Mormon...."Ask and it shall be given; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you" Matthew 7:7 (Luke 11:9, 3nephi 27:29 and 14:7). I say these things and bear my testimony that I know God lives and wants us to return unto him. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Looking Back

Tonight I read some of my post from months ago and at times it felt like I was reading someone else's blog. I haven't been writing every day like I should. At times its nice to look back and read my emotions I felt. But for the past few months things haven't been looking good. I slumped into a dark place again. I was suppose to go on the road with Chango for about a week and is company took forever getting him home. And so I got really stressed and sad thinking I wouldn't see him at all. Luckily he was able to come home for a week. But it took a toll on me, I once again started smoking and occasional drinking. I feel like I threw away everything I worked hard for. Right now I am at a point that I can not go to the temple, which saddens me. But I am still reading my scriptures. I have read the new testament in the bible, and have started on the old testament. I read my book of Mormon. My faith in my Heavenly father hasn't wavered. But I know that if I truly try my best and repent then Heavenly Father will forgive me. I miss going to church, I have been working crazy hours and on Sundays. I miss the fellowship of my church and how I feel so welcomed each and every time. I know that is where I belong. Christmas is around the corner, the day Christ was born in this earth, the day my savor and redeemer came. I love this time of year because it makes me remember him more than what I usually do. I just need to get back on track and I know that I can't do it alone. Only with the strength of my Heavenly Father can it be done. I look forward to being where I was those few short months ago!

Christmas traditions

Last night I set. Up my Nativity set. I combined some of my statues that I bought and painted with my moms set that she got from a relief society activity that my church has. I remember the night she got them, I was able to help her paint one of the statues. Ever since she got them each Christmas we would set it up in the house and then hide baby Jesus until midnight on Christmas eve. So now in my older years I still keep that tradition alive. I set out my set and baby Jesus is still packed away until his birth on Christmas day. Its funny each time I pass a nativity set I just want to take te baby Jesus and id him until Christmas. I love how our parents traditions are passed on, and when I have my children I will pass it on to them.

My set with Mom's set

Mom's set

Missing a birthday

Yesterday was the first time in 10 years that I was not by my husbands side for his birthday. Wen it set in the night before I was sad, because in the past wither we were working that day or not we always were together to celebrate his birthday. And lo and behold yesterday as he had it he sat in Virginia and me here in Missouri (misery as I was calling it). As we talked for hours last night we decided when he comes home we will celebrate. It wont feel the same but I guess something is better than nothing. Maybe I will make him a cake or some brownies with cream cheese on top. I will just have to make the day special for him as if it was his birthday! I love my hubby!!

Movies bring up emotions

I just finished watching Midway to Heaven, which by the way is a very good movie. But as I watched the movie it brought up so many emotions. The wife died of cancer, and so my feelings of lose from my mom dieing of breast cancer were opened up. But the one that hit me hard was the husband couldn't let go of his dead wife and move on with his life. It got me thinking, what would happen if I were to lose my Chango too soon? Would I be able to handle it? Would I slump into depression? Would I be able to let him go and move on in my life? Of coarse I would always love him, I will love him for all eternity. But could I ever love another man if I ever lost him? I feel like I might never be able to. And then there was the questions of what if I were to go before him? Would he be heartboken? Would he be able to let me go? What if he could and he moved on alot quicker than what could be expected? How would I feel watching him through his life? But of coarse some guys are stronger than others, and some women are stronger than others. All I know is that I love my Chango and I can't bear the thought of losing him. And I know that he and I can be together forever, if we choose to be, through being sealed inthe temple. And that I will look foward to!

Counting down the days

It is now about a week and 2 days till my husband gets to pick me up so I may go over the road with him for about a week.  I can't wait.   I am getting so excited that home live means nothing to me anymore.  I am always thinking about him, no matter what I am doing.  I imagine myself along side of him in his truck.  Luckily I found someone who can check up on the animals while I am gone so that way I don't have to worry about them running out of water and food.  But Oh to go with my Chango is so worth it!!! I will have to post pics of my outing when I get back.

Has the Book of Mormon changed my life?

This week the missionaries were joking with me about teaching the lesson for our weekly meeting.  And so after much consideration I went to lds.org and found an article that was in the Ensign back in 1992. It talked about how the Book of Mormon has changed their lives.  It was a really good article.  As I put together the lesson for the missionaries, thinking how can I teach the missionaries about the gospel that they don't already know. And so I choose to make it into a testimony building lesson.
But now the question in my life is how has the Book of Mormon changed my life?  I look back to when I was reading the Book of Mormon and I didn't have a life changing event while reading it for the first time.  I have been a member of my church since I was young, and even though I didn't read the Book of Mormon I have always had a testimony of it, that I know it is True and also another testimony of Jesus Christ.  But I can not say that the Book of Mormon has changed my life dramaticly.  Maybe it has changed my life, and I just haven't noticed it yet.  Maybe one day I will wake up and go oh yeah it has changed my life this way and that way. 

But right now I can say, I have read it, I understand it.  I know it IS another testament of Jesus Christ. That when Jesus died on the cross and was resurrected that he came to the Americas, and possibly to other countries and visited them and preached his gospel.  I know that the Nephites and the Lamanites lived and testified of the Christ.  I know that If you do not believe in the Book of Mormon, that if you open your heart to it and read with a sincere heart that you will come to know that it is true. That doesn't mean you have to become Mormon.  I know that the Book of Mormon CAN change lives, even if it didn't change mine right away. I bear my testimony of the Book of Mormon, in Christ's name....Amen.

http://lds.org/ensign/1992/10/by-faith-restored?lang=eng

This made me cry II

Today one of my friends posted this on facebook:

I was walking around in a supermarket when i saw a cashier hand this little boy his money back, the boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'' The little boy turned to the old woman next to him, ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?'' She replied, ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'' Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. 'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.' I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.' His eyes were so sad while saying this, 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.'' My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said, 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.' Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.' 'I love my mommy and I wish she didn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.' Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!'' OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money. The little boy said, 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!' Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!'' 'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.'' 'My mommy loves white roses.' A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away. I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine, and in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him. Now you have 2 choices: (1) Copy & Paste this on your wall (2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart!!
Just to let you know I cried too.

This made me cry

Her hair was up in a pony tail, Her favorite dress tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, And she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, That she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, If she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; She knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates Of why he wasn't there today. But still her mother worried, For her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, She tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school Eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees A dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, For everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, Anxious in their seats One by one the teacher called A student from the class. To introduce their daddy, As seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, Every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, A man who wasn't there. 'Where's her daddy at?' She heard a boy call out. 'She probably doesn't have one,' Another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, She heard a daddy say, 'Looks like another deadbeat dad, Too busy to waste his day.' The words did not offend her, As she smiled up at her Mom. And looked back at her teacher, Who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, Slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, Came words incredibly unique. 'My Daddy couldn't be here, Because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, Since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, And how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories He taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, And taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, And ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone. 'Cause my daddy's al ways with me, Even though we are apart I know because he told me, He'll forever be in my heart' With that, her little hand reached up, And lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, Beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, Her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, Who was wise beyond her years. For she stood up for the love Of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, Doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, Staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, But its message clear and loud. 'I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star. And if he could, he'd be here, But heaven's just too far. You see he is a U.S soldier And died just this past year When a roadside bomb hit his convoy And taught Amercian's to fear. But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away.' And then she closed her eyes, And saw him there that day. And to her mothers amazement, She witnessed with surprise. A room full of daddies and children, All starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, Who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, They saw him at her side. 'I know you're with me Daddy,' To the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, Of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, For each of their eyes had been closed. But there on the desk beside her, Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose. And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, By the love of her shining star. And given the gift of believing, That heaven is never too far.

-Author unknown

Pulled from Facebook.com

A Book That Peaked My Interest.

I am at a friends house watching it since they are away and kids are asleep. They have a book called
"the power of birthdays, stars, & numbers the complete personology reference guide
by saffi crawford and geraldine sullivan."
under my birth date it has your special someone section. Which says: for mental stimulation and love, you might want to begin looking for those born among the following date. Under that section is a soul mates section. And December 10th is under that. Yup that is Chango's birthday. Need to read more in this book!!