Loner

I think I have came to grips with the fact that I am a loner.  I pretty much stay to myself now a days.  Well work has something to do with it because I am at it every day from 730-5 after work I just go home, feed my animals, make dinner and then get ready to go to bed.  I find myself in bed by 8pm but not falling asleep till about 1030-11.  Saturdays, Chango and I have the night off together and on Sundays we have the day together, never fails instead of him wanting to be at home and maybe clean the house or rearrange or even just spend time lounging around he is wanting to do things.  Like this past Sunday it was go, go, go.  I didn't even have time to feed us until after 8pm.  The funniest thing about this weekend, was that we were at someones house and I found myself sitting in my vehicle with the persons dog, the dog didn't even know me before that day, singing and talking to the dog.  I happened to look over at everyone else talking in a circle and I thought to myself, "Wow, I rather be hanging out with animals instead of people." And the weirdest thing is that it didn't even bug me at all.  Maybe the reason why I stay to myself is that growing up I couldn't really go anywhere, I spent most of my time going to school then going home. And the fact that the brother I grew up with is 10 years older than me, so hanging out with him was not really an option. The only friends I hung out with was my neighbors.  My dad was pretty strick after my mom passed away.  I couldn't go to any dances, or school functions besides band, I couldn't go hang out with my friends at a mall or even at Mc Donalds.  I couldn't go to any of their houses and chill.  Running around in the streets forget about it.  So what did I do, I stayed home, mostly in my room.  I listened to music, watched tv, read books, talked on the phone alot to my friends, talked alot to my dog until she passed away.  Looking back my room was awesome to me.  I had all kinds of thing, things that are now in a box locked behind a door in a room that I never go into.  Boy how life has changed just because I am now with someone.  If it were up to me I would have alot of my things out and about around my home.  My home would just be one big bedroom to me.  Even now as I write this and reflect on my feelings about not always hanging out with people, and not really being around people I am not even a bit sad or feel remorse.  I guess it is because I am just at peace with how I am and how I grew up.  I am a Loner.

Gladys Knight

Yesterday, Chango, the missionaries Elder Goodman and Elder Clements and I went to see Gladys Knight and the Saints Unified Voice.  I wanted to go because it was Gladys Knight, a famious singer what I didn't know is that I was going to leave with something more than the bragging rights of saying I saw a famious person.  The presentation, concert, fireside, what ever you want to call it was amazing!!! The voices of the choir talk about angels singing.  The songs were catchy, they sang two songs I knew: I am a child of God and Amazing Grace.  lets just say I never heard those hymns sung like that.  I just couldn't stop from crying throughout the whole thing.  I am so glad and greatful that  I had a chance to be there. 

Empty

Lately I have been feeling empty. Kind of unhappy, but at the same time I am happy.  Things are going well for hubby and I but at the same time I feel like something is missing.  When we went for a drive on Sunday I told Chango that I wanted to start going back to church because I miss going to the temple.  I feel such a love and peace there when I go.  And it seems like answers come to me when I need them to.  My heart keeps going back to the scriptures.  There is a strong pulling towards them.  For me to start reading them again.  I just hate that I will read them every day for a little bit then fall into not doing it every night.  I also want to wake up every day around 5 am to start getting ready then do some scripture study but at the same time it is very hard for me to wake up early. What can I do to get closer go my Heavenly Father?  What can I do to break these chains of bondage that I am in? I don’t want to feel empty anymore!!!!!!!!!! 

Monday morning, UGH

Yesterday was such a horrible monday morning!!! I woke up late for work, actually Chango called me to see if I was up and of coarse the answer was no.  So I hurried up and got ready for work.  By the time I got there my co-worker was already there and instead of calling me to see what was wrong she called the office that is over ours and made them drive all the way out here.  On top of it we were very busy.  Luckly we got through it and the day turned out to be alot better than what it was.  As of right now I am hatin Mondays.

Truman State Park, MO

Oh happy Days!!! Today Chango and I had the day off and so since we have a new vehicle we decided to go to the Lake of the Ozarks.  We chose a part of the lake that isn't too far from us called Harry Truman State Park.  So we loaded up our to Pit Bulls, Bia and Rhyno, and headed out to the lake for the day. It was a great choice. The place we found was so beautiful.  We pulled off by the visitor center and got down our fishing polls and the dogs and headed towards the water.  Since Rhyno is a new comer to the house we had to "baptise" him by water.  Which just means that he get's thrown into any body of water.  (All of our dogs have been thrown into either a lake or river to swim back to shore.  Don't worry it isn't far for them to swim and also we just toss them as far as we can.) At first Rhyno didn't like going into the water, I couldn't understand why, I was in the water standing and I just wanted to sit down in it and enjoy only I didn't have my swimming suit or a change of clothes.  We also went to the damn and Chango fished alittle there.  The rocks were too high for Rhyno to get down so I stayed up top with the dogs while he was down fishing.  I can't wait to go back maybe for a few days and maybe to camp.  Oh how I love to camp!!!!

2001 Ford Excursion

I am so happy!!! Today we got a New-Old vehicle.  Its a 2001 Ford Excursion.  I am just so happy because now we have a vehicle to go somewhere if we want, when we want.  Yes the Excursions are big SUV's but its alright because we need a big vehicle even though it is just Chango and I.  We can easly load it up for a camping trip and not worry about things not fitting.  Put our babies in it and they won't be camped to death or steping all over eachother.  I can even get a car load of church members and head to the Visitor Center, or Liberty Jail, or Far West, MO or to some of the other places here in Missouri that has our church history.  Oh but it is just nice to have a vehicle that is dependable, registered and I can hop in it and go when  ever I want!!!! 

Waverly Post Office

As of Today the Waverly Post Office is MINE. ALL MINE. LOL.  That's right I am incharge of the Waverly Post Office.  No I don't make the big bucks but I do make better money than what I was making at the market.  Hoping all will go well for me!!!

Life has been busy but fun

This week has been so busy!!! But man has it been fun also.  Chango and I went to the MO State fair on Sunday.  We had a blast, Chango got drunk, we watched the tractor pull well what was left of it for the day, spent tones of money, but most of all we bought matching wedding rings.  For months I have been wanting to buy our wedding rings that look alike but for some reason or another I haven't done it.  But at the fair we found some rings that were matching, at first I thought I was going to be disappointed because I couldn't find the same ring in my size till the jeweler said he could stretch one of the rings one full size.  I was so happy. It feels different not wearing my mother's wedding rings since I have worn them since I was in elementary school, but at the same time it is nice looking at my ring knowing that where ever my husband is he too is wearing the same thing, our symbol of love for each other
 Monday and Tuesday I was in Kansas City, MO for training.  I got a job at the local post office.  The best thing about training was afterwards I was able to go and meet with Chango and we were able to go to dinner together.  I loved the time I spent with him after he was done working.  
 Wednesday to Today I was training at my post office. OTJ or on the job training is what they call it.  Its nice, although all this week I have been getting up early and since I am not used to it it has been very difficult, at least now at night I am going to bed at a decent time!!! Tonight I go and work at the market. I wish I didn't have to go in in less than 2 hours, for I want to go and take a little nap, oh well work is work.  I just have to say that so far this month has been full of blessings, and it has really helped Chango and I get closer together.  I love my husband with all my heart and I can not see myself with out him, yes he has faults, but you know what those are my faults, my husband, my love and no one elses. lets see what next week is to bring!

What was Heaven was like before....

At times I find myself wondering what Heaven was like before I came to this earth. At times I find my self wondering what Heaven will be like when it is my time to leave this earth. At times I can't wait to get to this end of life. Don't get me wrong, I love living, love my life even though times are tough. But I just can't help wanting to get to Heaven. To see who I will recognize. To see my mom is the main reason! The love I have for my mom and the yearning to be with her again is overcoming. That doesn't mean I don't want to see my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Mostly when I think of going to Heaven all I think about is being with my family, I believe the family has an important role up there, that's why we are in families right now. Oh to see what Heaven is like!

Power of the Book of Mormon

I just finished reading the Book of Mormon and I must say it has such a great power and spirit to it. I enjoy reading it when I do read, and I don't think that I ever get bored by the stories it has. The Book of Mormon testifies so much of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Everytime on of the prophets of the Book of Mormon speak of their love for our Reedemer you can feel it. I tend to read it for a short time but then I find myself engolfed in it. I feel as if I am their in their shoes writing it. I see in my mind the things they describe. I can't wait to get into the book of Mosiah, the speeches are so powerful. And then there is the book of Alma, he calls all to repentance and it is so strong! The last book, Moroni, wow is all I can say. When I read that book I feel he is speaking directly to me. I wish all who I know would accept the Book of Mormon, it has such love, faith and a spirit that can not be explained. To witness that one must read it!!

The bad and the good

These past few days have been a little rough and so that has kept me from writing. On June 30th Chango's uncle passed away. All day at work it was hard for me because I couldn't be at home to try to comfort him. Then later that night I got a phone call saying that my aunt was in the hospital with organ failure. Just that bad news sent me over the edge, and the jar that I lock my feelings into was running over and everything came out. For the past couple of months I have dealt with bad news of family members passing away both on my side and my husbands. First it was my mother in law, then my cousin's mom, both of whom I didn't know well but my heart ached for the family members. And then my uncle in law and my aunt. It was just so hard on me. Usually I handle death. I've learned to cope with it over the years, after all I believe we will all be together until judgement day. But I know not all believe like that and so my heart aches for them. On a lighter note, I received a call from the post office here in town, I went through my interview and background check, which took almost a month and so I had to go in for a drug test. Good ol' pee in a cup. So now I am waiting for the results to come back, I know it will be clean but the waiting is what is a killer. Our 88 GMCsuburban that we bought should, hopefully, be done this weekend. I can't wait till it is we need a car bad. So it just proves that Heavenly Father blesses us even when it seems like nothing is going right. Just got to keep the faith!

Polygamy

So being born Mormon and being raised in my church we have a heritage with polygamy. It is a revelation that was given and when Utah wanted to become a state the church banned polygamy and also the Prophet at the time had a revalation from God to stop the practice. Some didn't like that and so they broke off and formed the Fundamentalist church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. I just don't understand why it is illegal. The supreme court ruled it illegal more than 100 years ago. But they couldn't give a great reason why. Yes in our society we tend to think that marriage is only between a man and a woman but that isn't the case for everyone. There are gay couples, who now can marry in California. So why not allow it for religious purposes? People say to separate church and government, we say that this is the land of the free but yet we are not allow to practice our religion. I can see if they are marrying off underage girls, I am not saying this is right arrest the people who are doing that. But for ones who are consenting adults wanting to do this with other consenting adults then let them. I myself could not be in a polygamist relationship but if I did believe that as part of my religion then I would want to practice it.
UPDATE: Since I wrote this, and even before, polygamy has been on my mind.  I still don't think I could ever have a polygamist relationship.  I have even questioned myself to see if I even think I can share my husband with another woman and the answer always comes back to no.  We haven't had any children of our own and I think that if he were to take on another wife and she were to become pregnant right away it would crush me.  I can't imagine him spending his time with someone else either because when he is off of work I want him to spend all of his time with me.  The only thing that sounds appealing is that there would be another woman to help with the home duties, instead of me alway nagging him to help.  Do I think about polygamy? Do I wonder what my life would be like if I were in a relationship like that? Yes to both.  Do I see the struggles in it? Yes I do.  The show Sister Wives is a wonderful show, it shows their struggles but at the sametime their unity in the family.  I think I will always think about polygamy, I just don't think I could ever become one.

Tired tired tired

Lately I have been so tired and lazy. I don't know what is going on. I am wanting to just sleep, lie around the house and just plain not doing anything. I haven't even been able to write on this blog because I don't feel like it. I do go to work because I have to but while I am there I wish not to be. I wonder what is going on. Is it physical, emotional or the heat. It has been really hot here and dry and I know people don't feel like doing things during the heat. But my house has ac and its nice and cool in it and yet I still can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I don't even feel like hanging out with friends. Thursday is my day off and hopefully I can somehow motivate myself!

Wanting to change me

So I am a bit of a tom boy, a bit lazy. I don't care to dress up. I wear jeans and a tee shirt. I only shave my legs when my hubby gets mad or I feel the hair move when I walk. I never wear shorts so I don't have to be afraid of people seeing my legs. I never wear makeup unless I want to or its a special night, plus I cant wear foundation because I sweat easy. But I do want to give myself a make over because if I feel attractive I know my husband will be more attracted to me. I guess I am on my first steps I am shaving my legs and I even painted my nails. I just need to spend the money on new clothes!

A Loving Letter

Dearest Love, Lately it has seemed that you are not the man I married. And although it saddens me, I have made up my mind!! I am going to: hack off your tongue, dig your fingernails off with a rusted knife, clip off your toes with pruning shears, pluck out your eyes with hot nails, and carve out your heart with a spoon. When I am done I am going to make you the most delicious soup you have ever tasted with all my new ingredients. Don't worry my love, I will lie you in bed after you are full. Did I mention the bed is six feet below the ground? I got you some bugs to keep you company while you rest there uncomfortably. But remember while you rest to think of how much I love you and take care of you!! Sincerely, your loving wife for all time and eternity!

My Love One (poem)

My love for you will always run true. It's deeper than the ocean too! The love I feel will never go away. For you are my sun in the morning bay. Waking up in your arms brings me such bliss. Each moment with you I never want to miss. Say you'll stay, say you'll be mine, to love and hold forever and all time.

Tiny blood suckers

Never ever in my life have I seen mosquito as huge as the ones here in Missouri! At home they are tiny little blood suckers that you can hear buzz in you ear but never see. Nope not the ones here, they are so huge that you have to make sure they don't carry you back to their nest and suck on you for days on end. I hate to go out side after the sun sets because they will attack you in no time at all. Oh and if it is super hot and muggy they are all over you like stink on poo! Can't wait till winter comes, no mosquito then!!

Enjoying childhood

Lately I have been going to garage sales and thrift stores and I have found myself buying things that my mom had when I was young. I have been buying her "china" that she had and used only during special occasions. I have bought other things that remind me of my childhood. I hold my childhood dear to me. I may not remember all of it but I know I was happy and loved by my mom and dad and I wish and desire to just turn back time and live in my childhood forever.

Not feeling it =(

Today was my day off and so I wanted to get things done. It started off good, me and my friend went to Amish country and I found some really good deals. Then I came home and decided to put my shot glasses and insulators out to display them. I want to make out house look more like a home and the only way I know how is to decorate it. So after that I spoke to Chango on the phone then my step-mom. Today I didn't really eat and so it caught up to me. I wasn't feeling well so I cooked dinner, hamburger meat with zucchini onion and tomato which were bought from the Amish produce farm and I served it over noodles and added cheese. So now here I sit content off of food but yet not feeling well, I think I am still needing to get my blood sugar up from not eating that well all day. Tomorrow I have to go to work in the morning and then in the afternoon I have to go get the dogs the rabies shots and tagged. Hopefully I will feel better!!

Yes! I successfully set up my blog to where I can text my thoughts instead of going to the website. I love doing that. I have my Facebook set up the same way and it is so easy. I find it a lot easier to text it then to go through my phone to the website then post my status for Facebook. And now I can do it for my blog. I was without my blog for a few weeks and it was annoying, since the website changed it I couldn't access it through my browser. Talk about frustrating. But now it won't be!!!